i am scared of heights, i'll take the bottom

well today ended up being better.

we phoned this morning...ok ok i should say marko phoned this morning because i am a chicken and didn't feel like dealing with conflict and the lady was more than accomodating, however, it was too late for it to make it onto the truck today. it will be delivered tomorrow and all will be fine.

in othe exciting news, we bought a matching bedroom set today. we had had our eye on one for awhile now and went last week to see if it was on sale, it was and we were going to go back today to get it and then we saw an ad for the the same set at the same place but it was one of those mention the ad get a special price things. so we bought it at a great deal and now we feel officially all grown up. well officially i suppose when we buy the custom sofabed in january. i am starting to think that having money is a lot better than not.

i just turned the radiator on in the bedroom and now it smells all musty like the cabin at the lake on the first long weekend in may. i suppose that is what happens when these things sit dormant for long periods of time. it is making my nose itchy though, i think i would rather sit in the cold.

oh and one last thing...this is mostly aimed at aaron and laisha. i know it takes a while to download but i never mailed the high quality one as we have something else up our sleeves that is bigger, better and well...worth the wait (maybe next week we will send this new and exciting thing off). so for now you can check this out.


like a hand out the window in the wind

what a crap day.

so we buy a new monitor for marko's computer on a one day online special through dell. we were going to buy one soon anyway and it was quite a deal at $400 off the listing price so who could refuse. we had been following the purolator tracking information online, anxiously awaiting our new and considerably bigger screen so that maybe while on holidays we could get in some good movie viewing.

well last night before bed the online system said estimated delivery would be jan 3rd, which is no good as we won't be around. we were hoping it would change as the week progressed. much to my surprise when i woke up this morning it not only said that it was on the truck for delivery today but that a delivery had already been attempted at 9:50 (when i was hanging out on the couch) and no one was available to receive. i was a little pissed i mean wtf right? but realized that they would come again later in the day and so remained calm. i cancelled my plans to go shopping for some new work clothes for marko and i and instead stayed and cleaned around the house all day. i didn't listen to music and had the tv low so as to ensure i wouldn't miss the delivery.

well 5 rolls around and i am thinking what is going on? maybe they won't come? marko had already gone out for coffee and they had left no note on the door downstairs indicating they had even come a first time so we were stumped. perhaps a clerical error?

but nope, it turns out that somewhere around 6 they updated the system and indicated that they had come again at 5:15 and still no one was home and that now...this is good...now it is available for me to go pick up in burnaby. i am super pissed off now. i cancel my plans, stay home all day waiting and then some wanker of a driver doesn't even come to my place and makes it up that he did?

the worst part came in the realization that i am still waiting for my sin card to come in the mail as my wallet was stolen back in november and these things take time, particularily around holidays (a whole other post). so no sin means no new drivers license which means no pick up. no exceptions.

so tomorrow morning i need to get up at 7 and call them and freak out enough to have them redeliver it. i need to stay home all day again and hope, just hope, that they actually show up this time. that is if i can convince them to come again (ha ha again!) at all. apparently even this is likely to cost me another $20.

so now i am all agitated and i am not sure i am going to be able to sleep. i think i will go watch some more random videos.

hope your day was better than all that.


happy holidays


oh that's good, yeah right there only harder (i am talking about scratching the cat, you are so dirty)

so i woke up this morning and had a little conversation with my cat and explained that although she may be sad that i am leaving her again this morning she can rest easy today knowing that i am home for the next 10 days. i don't think she believed me though as she tilted her head to the side and sneered. i don't blame her really, i mean i have been known to make stuff up just to appease her because my guilt becomes overpowering. oh well, she'll see. she certainly will. then we'll see whose the liar.

going for sushi in the village now, cause nothing says merry christmas quite like raw fish.


hating the sinner, as well as the sin

just when we thought that things couldn't get worse we turn the corner and find this.

i go home in exactly 9 minutes, which means only 7 more hours until my 10 day vacation. keeping my eye on the prize is what i like to call that.
i will write something later. for now watch this.


your life is large but your mind is lame, i can't believe my eyes.

well i woke up this morning hoping for a change in the scenery but nope it turns out people are still crazy.

in other exciting news i tossed and turned all night and now i feel a little like this. there is only another 4 hours to go....sigh. i wish that it wasn't 30 thousand degrees at my desk right now and that i was already on vacation sipping mango juice out of a hot pink straw.

not that i am going to be doing that. mostly i will be sitting around the house feeling bad that it isn't more clean and watching old episodes of cheers or seinfeld or some other overwatched, expired sticom...just don't let it be friends. but hey maybe i could splurge for the mango and hot pink..tis the season and all.

ok lame post, my excuse is somewhere up there (me pointing to the top). but so as to not leave you all utterly disappointed at my lameness you can look here. although that is kinda lame too.

better luck tomorrow i guess.


don't do anything just stand there and hold it

for those of you that have been meaning to travel, your chance has come.

i wish i could help you honey, but it just isn't your day.

so this morning i groggily dredge my carcass onto the express bus and plunk down in the first available seat. i have been having trouble lately with the standing on the bus, becoming overheated, prone to fits of panic and anxiety, sweating dizziness and well a whole host of other fun things. because of this I was glad to have a seat this morning. most of the people who got on with me did not. so there I am calmly trying to rest my eyes as the bus took me on my way when from the back of the bus i hear shouting.

at first it is more like loud speaking and it is far enough back that it is indecipherable, just an angry hum and a raucous. however, as the bus progressed so did the elevated voices and soon it became evident that some over sized woman (and by over sized I mean girth, height and head) felt jilted by a younger and obviously healthier model of female who “stole” her seat. the younger model was not interested in entertaining these accusations and remained silent, but this silence could only last so long before agitation, frustration and most dangerously pride took over and she began to shout back. "i did no such thing she said, it is first come first serve and i was here first" (a lesson for the ages, or so it would seem). "but what if i was pregnant how would you feel then", said the girthy woman. "just who the fuck do you think you are?" is the other's retort (at this point i think most of us were wondering the very same thing?...look lady it is seat!).

around now the bus grinds to a halt having reached it’s next destination. pulling over to the curb i realize that they are both getting out at the next stop. (and now we should all be saying..all this for a ride that lasted one stop?) this could get explosive. what will happen? this is two grown woman dressed in what appears to be professional clothes…so i ask myself is this Christmas rearing it’s dirty head? sure enough, not two steps off the bus and they start throwing down, the older, bigger one making the first move with a push and a shove and a shout. i remain in my seat finding it hard to believe that someone could muster so much energy at 7:30 in the morning, when I was barely able to stay in a vertical position in my seat.

the driver stayed for a minute, he seemed unsure what he should do. some people on the bus started laughing, a couple criticizing and then we pulled away from the curb. the women were left on the rainy dark sidewalk to fend for themselves.

as we rolled away i was feeling lucky that it wasn’t me, but couldn’t help but wonder what would i have done if it was?


i wonder if anybody here besides me has got any decent secrets?

big family dinner tonight at the rugby club. don't feel much like going but i guess that is to be expected. there is a certain amount of disconnect there and oftentimes i am dumbfounded by some of the dialogue that takes place. i guess that makes me a jackass. i guess we all have to be something.

at least the food is good and truthfully it is nice to have a big family and it is nice to get together, just not too often.

perhaps i will come back with pictures or at least a ridiculous anecdote.


you think you know who you are. you have no idea.

we watched crash tonight, not the cronenburg, you know the other one, the one from this year. all i had heard everywhere i went was how great this movie was, the word "profound" was thrown around on more than one occasion. i will admit i had high expectations. they were completely let down.

not that the movie was bad, it was average. but the thing that really hits a nerve with me about this movie is that is could have been really great. the idea had it all and even the execution with various stories converging was well thought out and appropriate. but the constant need to exaggerate a point, the out of touch non-reality in many of the situations and the over the top music which was clearly designed to pander to the masses and illicit some kind of sympathy deterred from the point. i needed it to be more clever. to capture me with it's subtlety and prove a point through the indirect, allowing me to reach certain conclusions on my own. there is nothing worse than a movie which insults my intelligence by telling me just when and what i am supposed to feel.

i know i am in the minority, but the truth is that i don't think this movie did racism justice at all, which is too bad cause it is a story that truely needs to be told. not in a way that makes us cry, not through hollywood tactics and star studded casts, but through thought and introspection. through making us understand the part that each of us plays, not just that of a few. a few who for the most part were unrelatable.

but i guess that is just my two cents.


why should i miss you? after all it has been so long, since i felt your kiss.

well well well, it looks like someone finally decided to show up. truth is i haven't been feeling much like saying anything lately and so i have refrained. but that doesn't mean i haven't been up to lots. in fact i went here and here . i haven't taken much video but hopefully soon i will be back to entertaining you with my mundane quasi-artistic efforts!

speaking of which, as promised i finished my gingerbread house

i was quite pleased considering i had never made one before.

well i have to get to sleep since i am a growing girl (and i know i know...i am huge there is no need to mention it!)

so that is all the stuff you asked for and i think even just a little bit more. i promise to start coming here more often and keeping all of you, near and far, in touch.

good night


all of the people around us say can they be that close just let me state for the record we're giving love in a family dose

this is what happens when you get my family together for a meal. photo credits to my lovely brother elton....


weathered by the storms, and well oiled hands

so i have been having some pretty strange dreams lately. i have a cold from my head to my toes and it makes me sleep late in this hot radiator overdone room. i think that is playing a part. lots of driving down dirt roads in the middle of nowhere. needing to get somewhere but never understanding where. i keep hitting my head on the ceiling of the truck cab as we hit the potholes. we never get anywhere. i wonder if this has something to do with nicole reading truman copote? either way it makes me wake up wondering where it is we were going and who has a truck anyway? i guess i should be glad i didn't kill some family? and it sure beats tv and the internet, so dream away i will.

i feel like crap and i have to call in sick to work again and it makes me nervous...why the hell is that anyway? i am sick! i slept all day and still can't stand longer than 10 minutes without needing to go back to bed. i shouldn't feel bad about calling in sick. it is society that did this to us! bastards. ahh fuck em. maybe tomorrow morning i will dream of unicorns and rainbows...


argghhh matey give me your treasure!

this makes me laugh because it looks like she is angry, but of course if you know galena she doesn't really get angry...she is far to lazy for that. no, this is only a yawn....and with that i head for bed


how uncool? very. and yet still...

which leading lady am i?

Katharine Hepburn

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

Link: The Classic Dames Test

wild and dirty, the cat is thirty

as always mac users should wander here .

may the next year bring as much light into your life as you continue to bring into mine. you just keep getting better every year...

365 down 14 600 to go

the world just wasn't the same before i met you...


do you really want to live forever, and ever and ever?

the rain is falling hard outside my window as the cars swoosh through the intersection. the cat sits idle in the corner longing for the sun, but for now she has settled in the grey. my mind wanders to days passed. days that were somehow simpler.

the radiators are working again. as the clink sounds through the halls the musty smell of summer dust lingers in the air. i turn it up and pour myself some coffee. one sugar and creamy please, in a mug made from clay that came from the earth.

i hope the phone doesn’t ring, or the door doesn’t knock. i need the evening to casually slip into night and for my dreams to be sweet and tangible.


this world’s too old to hate you and too young to give up spring

alright! alright! i can't do it tonight. i have been sitting here looking at the wall and thinking of something to write for the last 20 minutes. i have now grown bored with myself and need a new setting. so tonight we will settle for a blast from the past. as some of you may or may not know i have about a dozen journals (now full) that i have written in for the last 15 or so years. every now and again i pull them down and take a gander. today's selection comes circa 1996 when i was only 21. it surprised me how poignant (albeit slightly cliche and cheesy) it was for me to have thought this back then. and of course i am aware that i possibly didn't write it and only copied it from some self help book of my mom's, but still it meant something then and i understand it better now. so hang on tight, here we go....


1. you will be given a username, you may love it or hate it but it will be yours for the duration of the trip.
2. you will be presented with a series of lessons
3. each lesson will be presented to you in sequence.
4. a lesson is always repeated until learned, try not to take too long.
5. learning never ends
6. "there" is no better than "here". learn to love the place you are in.
7. other are only mirrors of yourself.
8. what you ultimately make of your life is entirely up to you.
9. all the answers to all of lifes problems lie within you.
10. you will forget all of this tomorrow.

artwork by yoshimoto nara (thanks to aaron and laisha for introducing me to his work). i think all his stuff is great. find out more here ->http://www.assemblylanguage.com/reviews/Nara.html


i had the opportunity on the weekend to visit a cat shelter and of course i felt compelled to document the occasion. it was overwhelming to see so many cats and yet they all looked so happy and showed such enormous affection. there are said to be 800 cats inside this enormous compound that included both green space and comfortable indoor living. everywhere you went there were whiskers and meows. i hope you enjoyed the video. if you feel like more than wander here. or for the quicktime version just say please.


old tin cups, and little paper dolls all wrapped up, in the ribbons of your heart

my life is attached completely to the place from which i came. it may not be apparent at first but it is.

i spent half of my life trying to forget the past and the other half remembering exactly how it is it went. i am oftentimes aware of the string that runs through time attaching me to my roots. sometimes, when the weather is particularily kind to me, i hold on with only my pinky, barely needing the string at all. but mostly i hang on so tight the grip makes my hands hurt and my heart ache.

i am prone to nostalgia, no two ways about it. i listen to country music cause it reminds me of days filled with sunshine on the deck and colour overflowing from mom's flowers boxes. of my brother two-stepping in the livingroom with mom afterschool on a wednesday while dinner cooked in the oven. the old lazy boy we rocked in while we watched tv. there is something inherently mine about country music and i can't let it go.

my older brother recently started listening to it. i was at his house on the weekend and he was listening to the dixie chicks. i honestly never thought i would see the day. he was the hold out of the family and given his rave sensibility it seemed unlikely. he never seemed much fond of livin in the past. i guess these days he is gripping a little tighter to the rope. but i don't blame him, i think buying a house and starting a life makes you think about those things.

i have tried everything to go back for even a moment. i loved a boy who reminded me of the place, and i took albums of photos of where it began, i search through childhood pictures and wish myself dreams but in the end it is impossible. i was there for a moment and then i wasn't, just the same as i am here for only today. but i have the music and the memories and every now and again i fall into fits of nostalgia. i guess for now that will have to be enough.


think of you tonight, i'll think forever. there is no way to predict this kind of weather.

i am going to take all my frowns and sleep on them.
maybe i will wake up with a smiling face.

oh and a happy birthday goes out to my niece kyla who turns one today! isn't she cute?


so, like, i had this dream and in it stuff, like, happened

i woke up remembering the craziest dream. i was living in a three bedroom aparment but couldn't foot the bill and so i decided to rent out the other two rooms. through a selection process i ended up picking matt good and johnny depp. i know i know, you would think....sweet dream. but it was anything but.

that matt guy was ornary at the best of times. sure him and i adopted similiar philosophies in that we never left the house, drank tons of coffee, hated visitors and sat on our respective computers in our respective rooms listening to headphones and doing god knows what all day. but he would get all pissy at me about the stupidest things. once i burned the garlic toast and he came out of his room kicking up a storm about how you have to watch the toast or it burns? oh reall?y thanks jackass cause that wasn't obvious. another time i made some sort of fish soup (which i don't believe i would make...i mean yuck!) but apparently he played the role of my psyche in this one, cause he was not pleased. expletives followed by "take it outside" were yelled. i think we both needed fresh air, without sunlight we were turning into these trolls. well him especially.

but the real fun in the dream came with big johnny. turn out he is quite the drunk. he would come home at all hours of the night barely able to walk and perch himself outside matt or i's room telling us stories about his night, how he wished we could be friends. we were both listening to headphones and so we would only here the odd mutter. and in the morning, everyday at 10 am, as matt and i would go into the kitchen for coffee (the only time we were civil) we would see kate moss come out of johnny's bedroom naked and head for the bathroom. the first time it happened matt looked at me and said, well i guess they are back together.

so one day my brother elton comes over and says what is going on here? he was in the livingroom which had no style, mostly plain furniture and hardwood. so i go in there and say huh? just then i looked up and the walls had been painted this awful yellow colour only it was done really shitty and there were enormous gaps in the paint, not to mention one whole wall didn't get done. i don't know? i said and shrugged. but i did know. it was that lousy drunk. i remembered seeing him with a can of paint the night before, but had naturally assumed it was for sniffing and let it go.

so we are there banging on his door, the sound of kates laughter coming through the crack in the bottom. ummm hey johnny we are going to need you to come out here a sec. hey guys! alright what's up? and the door swings open. about this painting man, what's going on?

turns out he ran out of paint. he had found a can in the alley and liked it he said. sometimes mushrooms fuck you up man. and now the can was gone and the walls looked like someone urinated on them. so i said hey thanks! i love your artistic edge all sarcastic like and muttered wanker as elton and i walked away.

on our way to the paint store we bump into this guy i work with and when i tell him the story he says i love that guy! i can't believe he lives with you!

and i woke up in a cold sweat.

because it never stops being funny, NEVER!

i want to meet this guy and shake his hand.

i have plugged before, if you haven't been go -> www.toothpastefordinner.com

oh and if anyone is up for scrabble, just let me know!

they move in when you are young and take away where you are from

it seemed like a good idea at the time. selection, convenience, they are open later on a saturday.

it would be worth mentioning here that i am one that is prone to let bygones be bygones which often means that i choose to forget instead of to learn. as humans this is one of our tragic flaws. our inability to learn from the past. we often fail to listen to our inner voice. the voice that has been there and done that and knows better than to go again. the one that shouts no! please god! don't do that!

ahhhh... come on! i told it today, how bad could it be? it will be fun... somewhere deep inside me there was the smallest of sighs then and with that i was off

i only made it as far as the skytrain before i saw the err of my ways. but at this point it was too far gone. to turn the ship around meant quitting. my whole life i have been a quitter, that is until a few years ago when i quite ceremoniously adopted the "thou shalt never quit" philosophy. this of course made way for an almost immediate induction of the "thou shalt not even bother" philosophy but that is a different story and in this one i did bother, in fact i commited as far as the damn skytrain aka the stinky sardine express and so the show was destined to go on.

so maybe i could live with the backturned baseball caps, smart ass comments, screaming kids and cell phones ringing. i have come to expect, although completely loathe, these byproducts of society. but the line gets drawn when i am required to wait 22.5 minutes to try on a skirt that has, as it turns out, a huge rip up the side of it because every measure was taken to ensure it was made as cheaply as possible so as to completely dash any allusions i still had in relation to cost and quality. and when the girl in the fitting room adjoining mine starts shouting obsentities to what one can only assume is her boyfriend i really start to get a little shakey. it's ok, i tell myself, this isn't everyone, it is only a select few. people are inherantly decent. give them a chance.

i am at the food court now. ahhh yes the cornucopia of selection. indian, thai, chinese, burger, taco, fries, chicken...the list is endless. the largest food court in western canada they say. what an accomplishment. the place has style too, fireplaces and skylights, red "leather" seating on the higher end side. without a doubt this is the place where all of our decency comes to die. right here on the laminate tabletop, it oozes through the southwestern geometric shapes and then onto the sticky overstepped floor, a thousand seats and not one is empty. we have all come for the big show, buy it up, shove it in, burp it up. consuming consumerism one meal at a time. i was guilty too, no doubt. and i stayed longer than i should have, mothers and cousins flocking around my table like vultures cawing on their phones. "i think i have one, come over here, i am by the kfc it shouldn't be long now", a disturbing glance in my direction and i know that my time is up. their non-feathered beakless poulty products are getting cold, they need somewhere to perch. but it is hard to leave. as i sit there i can't help but think that this is so much more human than any news report or new york times article. if you were to put the universe in a seive and shake it letting all the subtly small bits, memory, experience, laughter, happiness fall through the holes into this enormous bowl all you would be left with in the end is this. thousand of people eating fast food in a sterile shopping mall in the suburbs. because all of the really fucked up shit in the world pretty much amounts to this in one way or the other.

so i had been there 2 hours and had yet to buy anything. in fact i only talked myself in to trying one thing on and even then i felt the changeroom attendants eyes piercing my soul with judgement. i know that it is a balancing act that these attendants have to play. friendly but judgey, nice but distant. they want you to try on one or two things but god help you if you don't give them back on the hanger the way you found them and future visits to the fitting room are discouraged. we, like, only get paid $8 an hour and well we ummm really don't feel like putting away your stuff...like ok? ok ok i get it.

back into the mall i trudge.

i had so many expectations. but the orange sweater was only available in large, the skirt in xs, the shoes i love don't come that small and the only jacket left in my size has a rip on the left pocket. it isn't working out at all. i am more determined now, i didn't travel across the city on the stinky sardine express to come home empty handed. i needed something bigger than a scarf or a belt or brooch. this was serious.

so i waited in more lines and tried on more crap. i contemplated blues and pinks and greens. i looked in the mirror from various angles and then once it was determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that the items in question were unsatisfactory, they would get tossed back. my head grew heavy, my feet sore. by now i had a stomach ache from the french fries consumed in the food court and i had to go pee. more lines. more vultures.

right around now the noise started to become unbearable. i live in what is arguably the busiest interesection in vancouver and at that moment i was longing for the peace and quiet of home. kids screaming, teenagers cackling, store girls condescending. it was everywhere, this cacaphony of excess. i wanted to scream and run loudly through the hall pushing everyone over in my wake. "that will teach you! stare if you must but i am right this time, this is hell and we are all here on our own volition. consume! consume!" i would yell with my head tilted back, my eyes twitching from side to side. but i knew that would be taking it too far. it was time to admit defeat, once the deulsions start it is generally time to call it a day and so i shuffled toward the exit.

i stopped to consume once more on my way out, this time the corporation was starbucks and as i stepped into the light of outside i took my first sip. finally something i can rely on i thought. this is why they do millions in profits, consistency. sweet sweet consistency. but as the liquid reached my throat the reality rang false. diesel. ok maybe just expensive gasoline. sigh. even the coffee is turned off by this whole affair.

climbing the stairs to the skytrain platform we mutter to each other, "i am never coming here again, mark my word!" but just then, in the saying, i realize that we said the same thing last time. some lessons take years to learn. something tells me we will be back again. i don't think i will have french fries next time though, that portugese chicken is where it's at.


modern day mating

so i said to mark over dinner the other day, i said you know i am soooo not in the loop and you know what he said? you will never believe it, he said like i know neither am i

you. have. to. be. like. kidding. me.

no! honest to god that is what he said. i mean if anyone is in the loop it is mark, like what is he talking about!

i know! mark is definately in the loop. like he practically is the loop

you are soooooo right i think he is the loop. you know it wouldn't surprise me if used lavalife to meet people too!

you think? maybe? i mean he is in like the loop enough. that is soooo funny that he uses a dating service. like you wouldn't think he would need to?

lots of people use it though. maybe i will hook up with him on there, wouldn't that be funny? that would be like hilarious

totally hilarious

definately funny.....

and then this long pause where everyone on the bus stares blankly out the window and thanks whoever it is we all thank, that we are not either of these women who clearly checked their brains in at baggage and forgot to retrieve them. i want to shout...ummmm hello? you are in love with mark! next time you are out for dinner as friends tell him you want to get into his loop! sigh.

learning from our mistakes day by day. which mistake is mine today?


happy birthday to you my older older brother

if i was to sum you up in 36 words, one for each of the years you have seen pass, they would look something like this:

confident, brave, foolish, thoughtful, charismatic, spontanious, energetic, wise, kind, childish, hungry, tall, goofy, inspiring, strong, emotional, loyal, endearing, witty, tidy, anxious, impatient, punctual, dependable, dedicated, forgiving, fast (driving that is), exaggerater, motivated, impulsive, funny, father, husband, brother, son and my friend


used to mean alot, mean alot to me. now it doesn't mean, doesn't mean a thing

it wasn't that i didn't understand you, or even that you refused to understand me. it was something darker, more sacred that led to the end of our affair.

do you remember that day at the park when the rain fell hard on us? we both forgot our jackets and gave in to the wet. we weren't ready to say goodbye and it was easier to stay. you laughed at me and said i looked so flat wet. i knew you didn't mean it but i was embarrassed anyway. i wanted you to see me as shiny and new. curved and alive. flat and wet made me feel empty. seeing my mood had change you grabbed my hand and ran. my feet flew out from under me as i followed.

at the top of the hill in our wooden cart i could see the entire city. you pointed on the way up and said one day we will live out there together and there will be a roof to keep out our rain. i wanted to believe you and smiled. but we had to reach the top there was no other way. it was time to take the leap. just then you leaned over and whispered, "don't be afraid i am right here" and we fell. everyone was screaming, dozens of hands waved with glee. but i sat perfectly silent and still. i knew that soon we would reach the bottom and the ride would end. i didn't want to be alone.

sometimes one minute is enough to change everything that comes after it. sometimes you would give every moment after to take back just one. if you are lucky your life will have a little of both.


do you have change for a tooney? it appears this machine only takes quarters..

all these places are just little pieces. individually they mean nothing. they are the same as all the conversations we have had. all the hurt you have caused. if you only see the minute you can never understand the meaning. the truth is only found in the larger picture. it is the sum of all parts.

this doesn't mean i have the answer. i know what it was for me. what i take from it. the things i will carry with me even if we never see each other again. lessons from the past about choices and regret. how reality is based on perception and intentions are often crudely mixed with memory.

in retrospect i can see that the most important thing i learned in history 101 was that there is more to history than facts, more to truth than reality.

in retrospect, i can see that this is a piece of knowledge that will change your life if you let it. but once upon a time i thought that history was carved in stone.


fifty cents or a dollar three, i don't owe you anything

alright here it comes so brace yourself. if i have to listen to one more whiney spoiled snotty nose "university" student beg me for mercy on their tuition due date, forgiveness for dropping all their courses in order to enrol in new ones only to find out everything is full or one more international student who clearly practiced the words toefl exempt all night before dragging their sorry ass in to my desk i am going to kill someone...all you frat boy smarmy assholes who think acting indifferent makes you cool i am thirty, there is nothing in your bag you can pull out that can make me think you are cool, it is impossible.

you weak first years who can't handle the change of pace get a grip, you knew you were in for a tough time, we need you to step up to the plate with a little more conviction. you mature students who "don't understand these computer things" need to read up on it, from here on out it is expected knowledge, this is 2005 catch up. for those who never got us their final transcript, quit giving me lame fucking excuses. actually that one goes for everyone. if you didn't get in you weren't smart enough. if you can't pay tuition you aren't resourceful enough. if you don't take the bus you get the u-pass anyway, it's in the book and the book is the law. get used to being disappointed this is only the beginning. from here on out it is the norm. you will not get into every class you want, that's in there too.

i am more than happy to step up to your aid but only if you present yourself as an intelligent, well thought out respectful human being. you all should be, i mean you did get in to the hardest university in canada after all. oh wait, i am once again forgetting the first rule of the book, book smarts is in no way related to street smarts. i suppose that is my bitter pill to swallow. so let's all grab a glass of water and kick it back. deal?


i'm spreading love like a terrorist now

sept 3, 2005

dear diary,

well i moved in to residence today. i was a little nervous showing up with my mom and dad, i mean you all remember that debaucle last year with the family dog in the cafeteria? i swore then i would never bring them back, but nancy couldn’t give me a lift cause her sister had ballet or something and i didn’t know anyone else with a car, well except brian but he isn’t talking to me anymore since that party last saturday when i made a fool of myself and said i loved him.

my mom, as usual, started it out right by yelling at the lady giving out keys. i just stared at the thousands of blue and yellow balloons and pretended i had never seen her. apparently she didn’t like her tone of voice? i wouldn’t be too nice either if i had to deal with people like my mom all day, but i guess she gets yelled at all the time cause she didn’t seem too concerned and just smiled.

the room is my own this year, all 60 sqft of it. better than that shit hole I lived in last year though. you may remember the complaints? christian girl with pig tails and bible camp stories? turned out she wasn’t so christian after all and last I heard she was in juvi, but university will do that to the best of them. it makes a pretty strong case against strict upbringing though.

so I think we are going to go to ikea later today and get some swedish flare to spruce up the place. i know mom is going to insist on bright cheerful colours, i will argue for the black and we will end up somewhere in the dark greens. people will come over and think I like camping and outdoor adventure, which couldn’t be further from the truth. maybe I should just let her buy me cherry red like the corvette I dreamed of for my barbie when I was six, before it all turned south. maybe it will seem ironic? or angry?

there was this cute guy i saw in the commons. he was wearing ripped jeans and had a tattoo on his right bicep of a dragon. my dad mumbled something about some people’s kids and my mom laughed. i knew i had found the object of my second year affection. i hope he lives in my building, or has a similar schedule. i could sit next to him in the caf and make conversation. i would probably sound like a dork though. maybe if i practice it will all work out? maybe this year will be my year!

well mom is yelling at me from the hallway. i guess i gotta go. see ya.


if you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?

1982, the sun is setting and the warm glow from the light hits my face. it is the month of august somewhere near the end and the wind smells like freshly cut grass. new beginnings are in the air. this is the year i enter the third grade.
i am building an underground fort with my brother in amongst the bramble bush that fills the space between our house and the cemetary. we are digging with both hands like worker ants creating a hill. wiping the dirt and sweat from our face with our sleeves, we laugh.
taking turns crawling into the hole we have dug we imagine what it would be like to live deep in the earth. to be surrounded by all that moist cold. in the darkness there is a sliver of light that seeps through the crack in the roof board. it brings with it warm hues that fill the space with autumn and remembrance of days past. there are no thoughts of the future here.

we keep checking the ice cream bucket, making sure the spider and her egg sac are there, anxious for the day when we lift the lid and find the babies, still unconvinced this will really happen and barely understanding the concept.

together we would dig and laugh and pretend all night if we were given the chance.
this is where i would be.


well it had to happen eventually

** photo removed as marko is afraid we will get sued **

i have been inspired. after almost 6 years this week marks my last week at kinko's. somewhat nostalgic, but mostly relieved i find that perhaps a retrospect is necessary, for old time sake. there was once this great website called the blue apron blues that a co-worker in toronto created. it mostly slagged the kink's and it's clientelle and in the end it got the co-worker fired for defamation of character. legend has it he sued for violation of the first ammendment. no one knows the co-workers name or store or if he won, but for a long time it was this devilish thing to do, read the blue apron blues site while at work. often moved to hysterics i thought it would be great to write a book of short stories about "the establishment". those that aren't in it are often moved to disbelief at the reality of it all. having been there i can confirm that all the crazy stories are true. so in memory of the long defunct blueapronblues.com i bring you

tara's top 10 most memorable kinko's moments

*warning some language may be offensive to some readers...enter at own risk

10. well this first one didn't happen to me but i was present for it.
thank you for calling kinko's ________ speaking how can i help you?

yes, ummmm i'm....well i ummm have this thing, well i guess it is a poster? that needs printing. how much would that be and how fast can you have it cause i am in a bit of jam here?

well how big is the poster?

oh you know normal size.

posters come in a variety of sizes, normal is perhaps too vague a term, is it like a movie poster size? or smaller?

long pause.....one sec let me ask my friend, she designed it.......ok well she says it is the size of a chicken, so how much would that be?

it depends is it a hen, or a rooster?

9. i love this one

old lady on the line sounds overly confused....hello kinko's (high inflection on the end as though she is asking me a question)

yes, that's right this is kinko's. how can i help you?

well ummmmm i have this thing that i need but i don't know if you do it, my grandson told me you would be able to help me out but i am not sure?

oh i see, well what is you are looking to get done?

i have this thing i believe it is called a "floppy disk?" and i can't use it so i was wondering if you could rewind it for me, it appears as though my computer isn't capable of rewinding...

* grandson gets secial mention on this one for giving granny the brus off...i wonder if he was on the line muffling his giggles?

8. william gibson comes in (and if you have heard this one i apologize but it is a good one). for those of you who don't know, william gibson is a well known science fiction writer, arguably best known for his book "neuromancer" where he coined (yes i said coined!) the phrase cyberspace. considered by many a revolutionary novel that ultimately paved the way for the future, he is a guy that one would expect to know his way around a computer. or at least that is what i am arguing. well he comes in one fall day with the draft for his novel pattern recognition and hands me a floppy and says in this disoriented way "i have this thing on here i think it is in a program called word?". he doesn't know that i know who he is and i am not letting on but honest to god my jaw drops. there are several weird things at play here. i mean this guy writes best sellers and he brings in his draft to kinko's where it is completely unprotected and allows me to copy it to the desktop? and he doesn't have a clue how to use a computer? so either he is a crazy genuis? or just crazy (this one gets my vote) either way it shocked me to the core, cause it called into question everything i hold true.

7. while working in toronto (at a store in the affluent neighbourhood of rosedale no less)i had two people of the male peruasion come in to the self serve computer section and ask me frantically if the printer prints with print down? i don't know? i said. i had never been asked and never paid attention so i really didn't know. well we need to know! beep beep beep my freak radar goes off loudly in my head. but still there was something here beyond the regular run of the mill freakiness you become accustomed to working nights at an all night joint. so i tell him to test it. he does and relief sets in, it prints print down. so i watch them closer, from a distance and despite their best efforts to block the screen it was clear as can be. child pornography. ok so now we stop mid sentence and say a. what kind of a fuck does this stuff? b. what kind of an idiot comes to kinko's to print it??? the police were called, they came and aprrehended. i was a little shook up but not nearly as bad as out next on the list...

6. thank you for calling kinko's tara speaking how may i help you

you stupid bitch i am going to get you for this, you are going to pay. you cost me $100 000 because you fucked up my job and you are not going to get away with it this time.i pay you $5000 and this is what i get? your going to wish you didn't mess it up!

(freakin out inside i calmly reply) i'm sorry sir, perhaps there has been some misunderstanding would you like to speak with the manager?

fuck you, it't too late i am going to make you pay for this...click

gulp. i tell the manager and she calls the police. they say they can't do anything and ask if there is a job that has been placed recently that matched the amount? the trouble with this is that this store is slow, very slow. it is like christmas comes early if a $5000 order gets placed and there had been no snow recently. it just hadn't happened. but still, ok he's not a customer...that isn't really bringing me comfort.

2 weeks later

tara the phone is for you!

thank you for holding tara speaking

tara i said i was going to get you and i will. i am watching you right now from across the street, don't look so surprised. you didn't think i forgot did you. you fucked me over and now i am going to make you pay. click

now completely insane i am crying incontrollably looking around nervously and completely shaking. the police show up this time and tell me i should go home. they escort me there and my brother comes home from school. i cry the entire afternoon. the next day i go to work paranoid and the same the day after. no one shows up but i always have my eye on the door. he never calls again and nothing happens. this was perhaps the first of many kinko's moments that served as a reminder that the world is a fairly fucked up place.

5. golf magazine debaucle. so this real estate guy (and try as i might i can't remember his name...maybe you do? i would love to give him a big fuck you here on my blog, i alway said i would write the local paper, this might have alleviated the regret at not having done it. if you remember the name comment it) comes in with a golf magazine, i think it might have been score? and he wants to have one of the pages photocopied in colour. if memory serves me correct it is an advertisement for some new club, not particularily clever or anything. it is my first week at the vancouver store. so he shows up to get the job and i see that it is done but the magazine is still in the machine so i casually open the lid and gently lift the magazine up. the problem is that a milimeter and a half of the corner had tucked itself under the glass corner and as a result it tore ever so slightly upon removal. he heard the rip and his face immediately turned red. smoke started pouring out of his ears and the profanity began. i remember it was busy, really busy. like the bank counter in it's a wonderful life when everyone wants their money back busy. and he starts calling me names, ugly names and using words like incompetence and idiot. woah dude it's a golf magazine for christ sake! but no it turns out it is a rare magazine that he allegedly paid $5000 for on ebay (ummm yeah whatever it was printed last year...collector my ass you're just pissed at the world and i am the closest target) and he demands i apologize. well he already humiliated me in front of many people and belittled me, no fucking way i am apologizing. not. a. chance. he leaves with a business card and the promise of a lawsuit. i thought i might lose my job (and now looking back maybe that would have been better??) but nothing was said to me and no lawsuit was ever filed.

for those that don't know the end of the story, buddy came back months later and threw a fit over some folded fliers.throwing a fit in this case meant actually taking the box of fliers and throwing them at a co-worker and then claiming he didn't and that the co-worker had dropped them. a quick review of the surveillance camera proved him wrong and with it came a lifetime eviction from the store. i only know of one other time he tried to do business with us (and really have you been kicked out of everywhere? cause there are at least 400 other copy shops on our block alone...have you no pride?) and he was refused while i laughed in the corner and stared. if karma exsists that guy is going somewhere either really cold or hot in the next life, and there he will work retail.

4. christmas party 2001, toronto hard rock cafe. the deal was that my manager at the time was friends with the hard rock manager and they had a little you pat my back i'll pat yours set-up. so we did a bunch of work, menus, signs etc and they host our christmas party. we did a lot of work, our credit was high. we let it roll on even. i brought my brother and he and my manager got wasted early. collectively the table ordered every entree (almost)and appetizer (and there were only maybe...11 employees?)and then dessert.so much dessert it was incredible. it was like a greek feast in that room. then all the non-drinkers (half the staff)left, leaving 6 of us to head to the bar and partake in tequila and more beer (import in bottles). we went long. well past midnight and then we went dancing to the velvet underground. we rocked it so hard and it was and likely will remain the best christmas party ever. of course later head office found out (they always do) and the manager got demoted to assistant manager (but the crazy thing was that he went to ass man at a profit store and ended up making more money because of it) and now he is back to manager at a store in TO and continues to be today. but he took one for the team and there is something about putting it all on the line for a good party. i will always remember that cause there was a sense of danger that night and it only made it better. later, when i was in vancouver i wrote him and said thanks! he said no problem, the pleasure was all mine

3. maybe this should be number one, but i don't think of us like that anymore. it is something so seperate that it is hard to say it is a kinko's moment but never the less it is and that is the day i met my husband to be. he worked the overnights and i was the evening project coordinator. it wasn't love at first sight. in fact i don't remember the day he started, but he grew on me. at first it was harmless jokes and flirting and then soon i thought about him when he wasn't there. i looked forward to 11 (although he was always late...even back then) everyday. it all started in the administrator office when he asked me if i had seen chicago and i said no. i thought he would ask me. he didn't. he chickened out. but i wasn't going to enough was enough and so i asked him if he would like to hang out outside of work sometime? he said yes and the following friday we went to a movie about gypsy's at the ridge and the rest as they say...is history.

2. there was this assistant manager that was nice mostly outside of work but at work he was a grade A jackass. honest to god take him out back and smash him against the dumpster variety. denise (aka D) and i took it from him all the time at work. it was some sort of maucho act on his part, the puffed up chest and simmer in his eyes. well one particular day he was riding denise hard and she wasn't in the mood. maybe we were out drinking the night before (who....us?) or maybe not but we were tired, it was sunny and we would have rather been at the beach. so he goes at her something fierce and in a blaze of glory she lives out the fantasy of every underpaid, overworked, unappreciated retail employee and rips off her apron (without losing eye contact for a minute) throws it on the counter and shouts fuck you! i don't need this fucking job or your fucking attitude anymore, take this apron and shove it up your ass. i think it was only the three of us there that day and inside i was smiling so wide i couldn't contain it. he was caught unaware and shocked. she just calmly walked off and never came back. i know it wasn't me, and so the victory isn't mine to claim, but that day i felt truimphant. someone actually did it. fuck you is right. later she went back to waterloo cause she didn't feel like finding another job and never really grew to love vancouver anyway. so it was sad, to say goodbye. but i couldn't think of a better way to go out. she has a special place with me now. a retail warrior fully armed and not afraid to attack, that's D.

1. i just alluded to it and maybe you guessed it but the number one, without a doubt, is all the friends i made. it isn't easy working at kinko's. some days it seems like the hardest job around and certainly the most difficult i have ever faced. i often equate it to going to war, we are all on the same army and without each other we are vulnerable, together we are invinsible. over my six years i have met dozens of people with whom i have a strong affinity. i just hope one day we can all (including craig!) meet somewhere and talk about our new jobs and look back at kinko's as a place we used to work. we all deserve that. so to the late nights at the firkin, friday's at the side door, elementary school tokes, sushi trips, pizza christmas parties, staff meeting donuts, alex's bad breath, the stupid blue (and then purple) aprons, IGA lunch runs, bathroom duty and the thousand other things that i file in the folder called kinko's...i bid you adieu. it was something else.


i've got another confession my friend, i'm no fool

so it turns out that the gap is no longer selling jeans? no it turns out they are selling a "lifestyle" and as a bonus everytime you try on one of their lifestyles you get a free song from itunes. what a treat. turning another corner i learned that sarah jessica's new scent is called "lovely", apparently the former tv actress has dreamed about having her own scent since she was kid. forget about astronaut, doctor or police officer. no it would seem that mrs broderick was big into fame and marketing from a wee age. the 20 foot tall billboards downtown claim that "lovely" will make you beautiful on the inside. interesting. i wonder if you inject it?

next up? the best of them all. a billboard for bc ferries. picture a stunning photograph of active pass, sky is blue, water perfectly calm and across the top the words: "in the real world you won't find any words blocking your view". honest. it said that. so there i am on the hot, smelly, slow bus trudging up main street and this advertising wisdom is handed to me. so it turns out the the world is only real when we are on the ferry (which for me is almost never). it is good to know, i don't feel nearly as much pressure now that i know this is all fake. at least advertising isn't even trying to trick us anymore, instead i suspect we will soon see signs saying: "buy it because you know you think it will make you feel better, plus don't you want to be like everyone else?".

one day there will be a revolution. i should start thinking up witty slogans now.


i will wait for you, i will wait for no one but you

i see the road, it's just over there, clear as day. but i don't want to go. i like it here on my pad. the security and familairity i have grown to love. they say the lake is better on the other side. not as many frogs, more bugs to go around. i'm not sure though. i think i would rather stay put and do without? what's so great about more anyway?

but you never know, i suppose a change would be nice. i hear the forest is so big you wouldn't believe it. a frog could hop all day and not step on the same spot twice. i like books about adventure, maybe it is time i have one of my own. maybe today is the day. do i feel lucky? not especailly but what has luck got to do with it anyway. either it works or it doesn't, there is no way to know until you do it. maybe i should wait for a rainy day. maybe then the giants would stay at home. but visibility would be compromised, i don't want to get lost. i hate making decisions.

ok i think i can do this. i mean the more i think about it the more i feel a little bored sitting here all day. i mean yeah it is safe, and green and perfect, but when did that mean happiness. wish me luck i am about to jump. i leave my fate in your hands...take a picture of me as i go so that we can always remember this moment, the one that changed my life...

..there was camping and other versions of tomfoolery that took place in the last week (including the frogs). 120 pictures in total. maybe tomorrow they will find their way here, including my new segment, the one i will be calling the "half face picture of the week". you know the one where you hold the camera up and try and take a pic except half a face gets cut off? it is a biproduct of the digital craze. my collection of said portraits has blossomed to the point of sharing...so stay tuned.


and so it is, just like you said it would be. life goes easy on me most of the time

the light from the street shines through the curtains, blinding and aware. i sit in the window and watch you as you wait for the bus. orange sneakers with a skip in your step you smile at the people that pass you by. your eyes glance from the road to your watch and back to the paper you read silently as you wait.

i will you to look at me. silent prayers into the warm night air. just look. just once. smile. in that toothy grin i would find something. maybe the thing i am missing.

my water glass is empty now and my throat is dry. when i return from the sink the bus has come and gone and you have left me again. i don't know your name or the colour of your eyes and yet everynight you enter my room and you smile. and the brightness hangs on my wall, a reminder.


i used to think that i would get over it, but everything just got over me

have you ever run into someone who compliments everyone insincerely? nice hat! oh i love those shoes, they are so cute. it would seem to me that this could often be roughly translated to "who let you out of the house like that, you look awful!?" the thing is they are usually pretty good with the delivery. they have created their entire persona around bullshitting, brown-nosing...or as i like to think...mocking. silent. venomous. wreckless.

maybe you don't even know if someone amongst you is one of them. they are coy and camouflage themselves. but sooner or later it will become clear. maybe at first it is just a feeling, like why is this person always so nice? and maybe this will be accompanied by a feeling of guilt. should i be that nice? am i a bitch? this may continue on for months, you may even start to compliment people yourself but it won't come off as convincing, it's an art you know.

so then how do you know? well the clincher, the thing that will seal the deal as it were is the moment you witness them compliment someone and then turn to you and say something polar opposite to that which they just stated out loud for all to hear. trust is an easy street when you are on it, deviate from the plan and you are on your own. it isn't the same.

so why do people do it? a part of me longs to believe that it is about being positive, that they want to spread some sort of good will. but still underneath it all there is this nagging feeling that they do it because they are just shitty people who like to laugh at the world while smiling shit eating grins. or they have no confidence (or maybe that is me writing this now, don't worry the thought isn't lost on me...still it is my blog after all). apparently i root for the underdog so really i should believe the last, however, my pessimistic tendencies win here. stop being such an ass. if you like the shoes, say it. if you don't keep your mouth shut. nobody is buying that crap anyway.

but then that is just my two cents and really they ain't worth much. although some might claim they will put me one step closer to cuba. i could use the vacation.


you needed something else to relieve your emptiness

red is the colour of the dress i wore on the day we first met. i put it on hours before you arrived, i was so excited. i thought of cherries and red smarties, they way they would stain my eleven year old lips as i danced around my bedroom to the sound of duran duran. red was the colour i saw when i closed my eyes and looked straight into the sun. i always thought that the light of the world would shine white but it didn't. wearing the red dress made me feel powerful and sexy and alive. then you called it crimson. i know you just wanted to sound arty and clever but it made me think of blood and death and destruction. i laughed anyway. i wanted you to like me.

it was simply the first in a long line of miscommunications. the beginning always determines the end.


is there trouble ahead for you the acrobat?

riding the bus home tonight i was confronted by the usual assortment of crazies. the lady who likes to tell everyone what they are doing wrong..."hey you! don't you know you aren't allowed to eat on the bus?", the beer can guy, garbage bags filled to the brim, a pungent odour wafting from his direction, and then my personal favourite, the obsessive compulsive lady.

her hair perfectly coifed, attire respectable and meticulously clean, posture upright and quite proper. so what's the problem right? there wouldn't have been one if she hadn't taken out an antibacterial wetwipe from her purse and started wiping the seat before she sat down, the entire time staring me down with disdain, and even that comes with an excuse, I mean beer can guy was in the vicinity, it makes the best of us shakey. but then there was the constant standing up and looking with fear at her seat, brushing away imaginatry crumbs, straightening out of the skirt and then back on the seat. mix in the several quick glances in all four directions and a strange paranoid energy around her and you have a bonefied crazy.

when it came time for me to get off she considered for a spilt second of simply moving her legs slightly to let me pass but once she gave me another glance she thought better and stood quickly up, careful not to touch the pole. she then sort of hovered in the aisle unsteady on her feet but willing to take the risk. she was afraid of both me and and the pole, possibly in that order. so i allow her the senility but admittedly i fantasized of licking my hand and running it through her hair just to see if she would melt like the wicked witch of the east. or maybe just to remind her that she wasn't the only one that was crazy on the bus, some of us are just better at covering it up then others.



some days are easier than others

i came upon this, it is cheesy i know, but i don't think i have ever come across something that describes the feeling as well.

the circus

the class had just gotten the news: they were going to the circus! most had never been to the circus, but a few had, and they told the others what it was like and how much fun it would be. each day they learned something new about the circus: studying the animals they would see, reading about the entertainment, and discussing the food. they learned the history of the circus and watched a video that one of their classmates had taken when he was there last year. soon it was all everyone was talking about. day by day the excitement grew as the date approached.

then, a week before the big day, one of the students was informed he wouldn’t be able to attend. no reason; he had done nothing wrong; he just couldn’t go. and even though he pleaded and cried, the teacher would not relent. the student was stunned and crushed. “how could this be? surely there must be a mistake. i’m supposed to go, too.” but it was not to be. he would not be going to the circus. the other students in the class felt bad for him and commiserated for a while. but soon they tired of it and went back to excitedly discussing the upcoming circus. “after all,” they thought, “it’s sad that he can’t go, but there’s nothing we can do about it. besides, he can always go next time.”

unsure of how to act, he tried to keep a brave face and pretend that he was ok. he listened to them talk about the circus and even joined in sometimes, sharing about what he had learned. but sometimes he couldn’t do it anymore, and he had to leave to hide the tears that were welling up in his eyes. and when the day of the circus arrived, he was totally lost. “should I pretend I don’t care? should I go and wish them well? should I just stay home and cry?” his mother told him he needed to be a big boy and be happy for everyone else who was getting to go. so he joined the class, reluctantly, wishing he were anywhere else but there. and he did his best not to ruin anyone else’s fun.

it was very obvious that he was not enjoying anything about the day, but everyone else, preoccupied with the excitement of the event, didn’t notice it. most were simply so exuberant that they just chattered on and on about it. when they got to the gate, as everyone jostled for position to get in, he quietly stepped aside. and after they went in, their laughter echoed in his head as he fought that sad, sick feeling. it just wasn’t fair! all he could do was watch them, listen to them, and hear from them. HE should be at the circus, too. that was the loneliest day of his life.

when the day was over, he stood there, forcing a smile, feigning interest, as they told about the day’s events and showed him pictures. they were so excited and eager to tell about their day, and all he could think about was how hard it was to not be a part of it. he deserved to go as much as they did; how it hurt to not be able to! but somehow they didn’t seem to understand that, as they continued to talk about the circus and show their souvenirs. he felt like such an outsider; he wanted so badly to share in their joy, but he just couldn’t. it was still too hard. someday he would be able to, but not yet. and he looked forward to that time because no one would be happier about it than him.

copyright © 2003 mindy wilsford


one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths

words seem to be hard to come by these days. not feeling all that inspired. i watched ghost dog tonight. in typical fashion, five minutes in i realized that i had seen it already. it left almost no impression the first time, sitting idle somewhere near the back of my mind waiting to be called upon again. tonight the taste was something altogether different. the flavour will last for days and the thoughts repeated in my mind. all this merely reconfirms that which i already knew to be true, in order for something to truely have an effect it needs to arrive at precisely the right moment. it doesn't happen often, opportunities are much more likely to pass by without notice, it's time not now, but when it fits it can make all the difference. your eyes can switch from darkness into light. i don't normally quote people in here, today i will make an exception. i feel that this line so succinctly sums up my experience in life, and my perspective, that it was worth a mention.

"there is something to be learned from a rainstorm. when meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. but doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. when you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. this understanding extends to everything."
-ghost dog

finding resolve can take a lifetime.
i'm working on it...


why does it always rain on me?

one day in the country is worth a month in the city

spent today outside. life with a car is simply just not that same as life with a bus. i'll take the car, thanks.


heads it's you, tails it's me...now flip

well i failed to add to the list the other day one more thing that makes me say lame...when your computer at home dies for no apparent reason. alas it is fixed now as the show must go on, and on it will go.

as promised top five things that make me say "nice" today

1. that i get to work here in the welcome centre where the ceilings are high, the workload low and the natural light a plenty.

2. the colour orange

3. that tonight i get to go to my very first pottery class. after years of having it near the top of my to do list i am finally taking the plunge. despite the fact that i didn't think to bring crappy clothes that i didn't mind ruining, i can't wait to give it a try!

4. that our computer is fixed and my greatest fears weren't realized. you see, our computer is like our car, if we had one. luckily i am married to a mechanic, well a computer mechanic anyway. but that means he always wants to upgrade and get the very best. he is a boy, it is a computer, generally that is how these things work. so when our computer breaks and he starts using words like "newest technology" i get a little antsy, particularily when it involves me giving him my debit card. well it only cost $130 (which pales in comparison with the number in my head) and it is working. may i never doubt you again.

5. the way my cat looks when she is curled up in her little cat paw house. i doubted she would use it, "why would she? she will see right through it, cats don't do what you want them to do that is the very essence of being a cat" i said. but no, it turns out she loves the thing, depsite the fact that she barely fits and parts of her girth hang over the edge. it is perhaps the single most satisfying thing i have ever seen. i took a picture, if i was at home i would include it but, alas one more thing to put on the "another time" pile.

well you see i could keep going... the happy does win out after all, the sad was just the first to come. probably because (as we have said before) to really own something you need to pay for it, and sometimes the things we pay the most for are the ones that come the most easily to mind.