some days are easier than others

i came upon this, it is cheesy i know, but i don't think i have ever come across something that describes the feeling as well.

the circus

the class had just gotten the news: they were going to the circus! most had never been to the circus, but a few had, and they told the others what it was like and how much fun it would be. each day they learned something new about the circus: studying the animals they would see, reading about the entertainment, and discussing the food. they learned the history of the circus and watched a video that one of their classmates had taken when he was there last year. soon it was all everyone was talking about. day by day the excitement grew as the date approached.

then, a week before the big day, one of the students was informed he wouldn’t be able to attend. no reason; he had done nothing wrong; he just couldn’t go. and even though he pleaded and cried, the teacher would not relent. the student was stunned and crushed. “how could this be? surely there must be a mistake. i’m supposed to go, too.” but it was not to be. he would not be going to the circus. the other students in the class felt bad for him and commiserated for a while. but soon they tired of it and went back to excitedly discussing the upcoming circus. “after all,” they thought, “it’s sad that he can’t go, but there’s nothing we can do about it. besides, he can always go next time.”

unsure of how to act, he tried to keep a brave face and pretend that he was ok. he listened to them talk about the circus and even joined in sometimes, sharing about what he had learned. but sometimes he couldn’t do it anymore, and he had to leave to hide the tears that were welling up in his eyes. and when the day of the circus arrived, he was totally lost. “should I pretend I don’t care? should I go and wish them well? should I just stay home and cry?” his mother told him he needed to be a big boy and be happy for everyone else who was getting to go. so he joined the class, reluctantly, wishing he were anywhere else but there. and he did his best not to ruin anyone else’s fun.

it was very obvious that he was not enjoying anything about the day, but everyone else, preoccupied with the excitement of the event, didn’t notice it. most were simply so exuberant that they just chattered on and on about it. when they got to the gate, as everyone jostled for position to get in, he quietly stepped aside. and after they went in, their laughter echoed in his head as he fought that sad, sick feeling. it just wasn’t fair! all he could do was watch them, listen to them, and hear from them. HE should be at the circus, too. that was the loneliest day of his life.

when the day was over, he stood there, forcing a smile, feigning interest, as they told about the day’s events and showed him pictures. they were so excited and eager to tell about their day, and all he could think about was how hard it was to not be a part of it. he deserved to go as much as they did; how it hurt to not be able to! but somehow they didn’t seem to understand that, as they continued to talk about the circus and show their souvenirs. he felt like such an outsider; he wanted so badly to share in their joy, but he just couldn’t. it was still too hard. someday he would be able to, but not yet. and he looked forward to that time because no one would be happier about it than him.

copyright © 2003 mindy wilsford


one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths

words seem to be hard to come by these days. not feeling all that inspired. i watched ghost dog tonight. in typical fashion, five minutes in i realized that i had seen it already. it left almost no impression the first time, sitting idle somewhere near the back of my mind waiting to be called upon again. tonight the taste was something altogether different. the flavour will last for days and the thoughts repeated in my mind. all this merely reconfirms that which i already knew to be true, in order for something to truely have an effect it needs to arrive at precisely the right moment. it doesn't happen often, opportunities are much more likely to pass by without notice, it's time not now, but when it fits it can make all the difference. your eyes can switch from darkness into light. i don't normally quote people in here, today i will make an exception. i feel that this line so succinctly sums up my experience in life, and my perspective, that it was worth a mention.

"there is something to be learned from a rainstorm. when meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. but doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. when you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. this understanding extends to everything."
-ghost dog

finding resolve can take a lifetime.
i'm working on it...


why does it always rain on me?

one day in the country is worth a month in the city

spent today outside. life with a car is simply just not that same as life with a bus. i'll take the car, thanks.


heads it's you, tails it's me...now flip

well i failed to add to the list the other day one more thing that makes me say lame...when your computer at home dies for no apparent reason. alas it is fixed now as the show must go on, and on it will go.

as promised top five things that make me say "nice" today

1. that i get to work here in the welcome centre where the ceilings are high, the workload low and the natural light a plenty.

2. the colour orange

3. that tonight i get to go to my very first pottery class. after years of having it near the top of my to do list i am finally taking the plunge. despite the fact that i didn't think to bring crappy clothes that i didn't mind ruining, i can't wait to give it a try!

4. that our computer is fixed and my greatest fears weren't realized. you see, our computer is like our car, if we had one. luckily i am married to a mechanic, well a computer mechanic anyway. but that means he always wants to upgrade and get the very best. he is a boy, it is a computer, generally that is how these things work. so when our computer breaks and he starts using words like "newest technology" i get a little antsy, particularily when it involves me giving him my debit card. well it only cost $130 (which pales in comparison with the number in my head) and it is working. may i never doubt you again.

5. the way my cat looks when she is curled up in her little cat paw house. i doubted she would use it, "why would she? she will see right through it, cats don't do what you want them to do that is the very essence of being a cat" i said. but no, it turns out she loves the thing, depsite the fact that she barely fits and parts of her girth hang over the edge. it is perhaps the single most satisfying thing i have ever seen. i took a picture, if i was at home i would include it but, alas one more thing to put on the "another time" pile.

well you see i could keep going... the happy does win out after all, the sad was just the first to come. probably because (as we have said before) to really own something you need to pay for it, and sometimes the things we pay the most for are the ones that come the most easily to mind.


i am thinking about upgrading my capacitor

5 things that make me say "lame" today

1. waking up with my cats ass in my face

2. the assholes that chased the crow in the sub today, they aren't cool or funny or nothin. they suck. end of story.

3. the guy who insisted he paid his tuition for summer until i proved him wrong and then he got all sheepish and gave me even more shit until i told him who's who and what's what and he fucked off. academic leave huh? you don't say. wanker.

4. when the elevator sits at the bottom floor while i fiddle with the key, and it stays on the bottom as i rush across the lobby but then, without warning, it leaves as i press the up button. it always goes all the way to the top and comes back down minutes later with nothing but my broken heart inside.

5. poverty, injustice, starvation and tragedy. i figure these can all go together in a lump category called bullshit. poverty is the guy who sits by planet bingo that looks 40 but can't be more than 22, everyday i see him there and he never says a thing. he makes me want to do something but i don't know what it is. my apathy appals me. injustice is the fact that incredibly smart people slave away at subway for $8.50 an hour while a bunch of wankers drink coffee and gossip at ubc for $20. starvation is my mind which is hungry for inspiration, and lastly we come to tragedy, the biggy. there are so many to choose from but today i will say tragedy is that a woman made the mistake of a lifetime and let her eye leave her two year old son for only a moment only to find him a short time later face down in the pool. it happens all the time and it makes no sense. why?

maybe tomorrow i will put on my happy face and flip the coin. maybe not.


hold on to what you know

i had a dream last night. you showed up at my school shouting my name as you paced up and down the hall. we were going to go driving to the coast in your convertible on saturday, but you couldn't wait. you knew you shouldn't be there, i was going to catch trouble. i thought of shutting the door and pretending i wasn't there, but i couldn't. my friends giggled, my face red with shame.

i ran into the hallway. you saw me and cried. when i reached out for you, you fell into a hole. i couldn't see the bottom. gone. your left shoe remained, a sole reminder of your existence. tattered laces and the faint smell of yesterday.

sitting beside the pool is not the same as a walk by the beach.

the truth is difficult most of the time.