it takes two and it used to take only one

it was sometime around ten o'clock last saturday night that nicole called to me from the other side of the campsite, "come check this out". naturally i got up and made the trek to where she was. it was there, out in the open, that she pointed up at the giant trees that towered above us, a mesmerizing glow emanating from the sky causing a silhouette of the forest to stand out. it was the time between dusk and dark when everything is a strange shade of blue and the air seems quiet and still. magical. "isn't it amazing?" she asked, and it was, only i couldn't tell you why. it just was. i thought for a moment about going back to the tent and grabbing my camera, coming back and perching it on a stump for stability in the low light and trying to capture the moment, but i didn't. i didn't because i knew without even trying that it could never be done. some things can never be captured for later. somethings lose too much in translation to make it worth while. so we stood side by side in the moment and stared up at the sky, awestruck with the beauty before us.

this past year i have taken more than a thousand pictures of cohen, some of which i have shared here, while others sit on our server preserved for the future. i know this is a little ridiculous and a hard challenge to live up to if there are any more children in our future, but i did it because it was what i needed to do. to preserve. to remember. or at least to try. looking back now, (and even in the moment i think i knew) i realize that pictures will never tell the whole story though, just like the words of this blog, they are doomed to fail. don't get me wrong, i am grateful for them and glad they exist, but as the year came to a close i realized that those moments have come and gone, they only live in my head now and even that can't be entirely trusted. it isn't a new revelation, or even a particularly interesting one really, but when you have children it is different, sadder somehow, this passing of time.

i had intended to come here and tell you what this year has meant to me, the long afternoons outside in the sun, or mornings spent lounging in bed playing games, the first smiles and then laughter, urges towards mobility followed far too quickly by walking, about how full my heart feels when i look over every morning and see him sitting there in his crib waiting, a toothy grin filling his face, "mama" sputtering from his lips, arms up in anticipation. there are a thousand moments like this, maybe more, each one of them unique and perfect and mine. but telling them would never work, just like the trees at dusk, they can't be translated. i won't even try. instead i will just say that i am thankful, so very thankful for the abundance of joy i am given everyday. i smile to think of the millions of moments that are out there lurking, waiting for us to arrive. i can't wait!

a photographic year in review












one year

oh, and i did end up getting the obligatory birthday cake shot! of course it was when we were back home and it was leftover cake, but that still counts...right?


it's just bad timing that's all

the camping trip didn't go as well as i hoped it would. as i was packing the car on friday i had a nagging feeling that we shouldn't go, maybe it was the thick clouds rolling in over the mountains, or the terrible forecast for the weekend, or maybe it was just that everything felt a little off. whatever the reason, i should have listened to that voice, but instead, as we are all apt to do, i went ahead with the plan.

the things i am remembering most right now:
1. the rain. the torrential rain that began to pelt on the roof of the tent sometime in the wee hours of friday night and continued almost without reprieve until our departure on sunday.
2. cohen's lack of happiness and nearly constant state of distress. this would be the main umbrella where i would put his fever, his crankiness and his lack of appetite and my worry about all of the above (we now think all of this was a direct result of new teeth).
3. complaining, so much complaining.

things i am not remembering most right now but that i hope will be the true memory that stands the test of time.
1. that satisfied feeling of setting up camp. the careful planning and executing of tarps and tents into a configuration that makes the space feel like home despite the weather. knowing that when it rains it is ok, we are ok, there will be no leaking.
2. finally in a fit of frustration (i am not going to have the only memory of his first birthday be of him miserable and upset!) packing up cohen and marko and our swimming gear (which i foolishly brought thinking that the weather might turn around and a lake swim might happen) and heading to the squamish aquatic centre where we splashed and laughed and forgot for a moment that the weekend wasn't turning out so fantastic. cohen didn't have as much energy for the pool as he normally would, but we got some smiles and there weren't any tears!
3. sitting in front of the fire, dry and warm under the tarp as the rain pelted above us, sick and needy cohen nestled snuggly into my chest, fast asleep, dreaming of trees.
4. the bbq'ed steak and chicken dinner enjoyed with a bottle of red wine and some pretty fantastic friends, oh and the chocolate cake with raspberries and whipped cream for dessert (mmm steak and cake).

so the weekend wasn't great. the expectation wasn't met. there were no fantastic back to nature photos taken, no whipped cream on noses or splashes in lakes, but there was family, my family and that is always something to celebrate. i feel very lucky for all that i have, even when it is raining outside, and have lost enough in life to know how important it is to cherish everything that you have. i do. still, i hope that next time we get some sun!

i plan on one more birthday post, a retrospective of sorts, so look for that in the next couple of days.

this last photo was taken in the aquatic centre parking lot. we had left our campsite and driven down the highway to squamish with this poor slug on our car. we only realized once we got there and saw him clinging to the side, likely very confused. by the look on cohen's face he wasn't the only one!


your's is the first face that i saw

birthday week is upon us! i say birthday week as it is important to milk these things for all they are worth. cohen's birthday week kicked off last sunday with a little gathering at our house in his honour. the cake was blueberry banana with cream cheese icing, which to my great disappointment is a very stable and clean eating cake. cohen not only got the whole thing into his tummy, but licked all of his fingers with little to no mess on his face. very disappointing indeed. still, there was singing and balloon poking and attention, so much attention, that there was no way cohen couldn't have a great time.

today cohen continued his week long celebration by hanging out at grandma's. apparently he spent a portion of today basking in the lush backyard in nothing but the skin he came in, which is pretty much the best day ever for him, and then grandma let him suck on the juicy middle of a mango. tomorrow i am off work for the day and plan to take him to the park in the morning and swimming in the afternoon. we haven't been swimming in almost a month and i have missed it immensely. i can't wait!

his actual birthday, as some of you know, is on saturday. we will be spending that day contemplating life under a canopy of trees as we are headed into the woods for a little back to nature weekend. it will be our first annual camp cohen (as dubbed by this years attendee nicole). the weather looks like it might be warm and sunny, which could mean a dip in the lake and some more naked playing for the pooper, and some much needed relaxation for mom. oh, and of course there will be another cake for the actual day, this time though it won't be so clean. whip cream should be sufficiently messy enough!

so wish us luck with the weather and we will see you back here on monday with some photos of our adventure.


snipping inches, gaining miles

cohen had his first haircut today! i almost forgot to bring the camera (ok, i didn't even think to bring it), but luckily for me our building manager marilynne bumped into us as we were leaving and talked me into going back home to grab it. i was worried that there would be copious amounts of bellyaching, but there was none. mostly just lots of laughing and trying to grab the comb. so no more mullet for cohen, he has entered a new aesthetic decade which is fitting, as soon he will enter a brand new year.

afterwards we came home and had a pork roast right out of the slowcooker for dinner. the slowcooker is the working moms best friend! i also found out today that grandma has been teaching cohen patty cake and he now does it on demand, even the roll it part, but in his own unique way which looks more like scratching his neck then rolling. i was very impressed. this is a shot of him showing off his new skills.


and then there were three

i am back! although probably not really. there are many kinks that need to be worked out of my working mom machinery, most notably my ability to stay awake past ohhhh...say eight o'clock (and for those of you astute enough to now check when i published, you are right it is late right now so good for me!). in truth the only reason i am up so late tonight is because grandma had cohen last night which meant i got a good nights sleep. every other night last week, and i expect the rest of this one (since i have to be at work at 6:45 everyday this week. seriously), i have been slumbering well before most of the cool kids. i will figure it out soon and then i can go back to blogging and facebooking like everyone else.

it was exactly one year ago today that cohen was due. the complaining hadn't yet begun, it took a few days overdue before my wingeing mechanism kicked into high gear. still, to celebrate what may have been cohen's first birthday i thought i would entertain you with some picnic pictures that were taken at cates park on the weekend. we bbq'ed and basked in the glory of our wonderful weather, summer is here at last (just not today, today it is raining...sigh).

in case that cuteness wasn't enough i have other big news that comes with it's own unique brand of cute. yesterday my sister in law laisha celebrated her birthday, which in itself deserves a round of applause, but the big news of the day was the arrival of our families newest edition, laisha and aaron's son and cohen's only boy cousin, jonah alexander rosnau deans who was born at home in the wee hours of the morning. what a wonderful birthday gift indeed! as luck would have it i just now received an email with a photo of him, i hope it is ok to share, it is just too great not to. marko and i will now commence our argument about which parent he resembles more. congratulations everyone, i can't wait to meet him in a few weeks!