33 & 4 day

where we have been

the other day when i was trying to decide what to write for cohen's birthday i felt compelled to go back and look at what i wrote last year. it was then that i came upon this. i didn't remember writing it, but i suppose i did, and i liked what it said. i decided then that i would do the same post this year, the pictures that is, only when i had a minute to go through them all. the next day laisha posted jonah's birthday pictures, and referenced the same blog post of mine from last year, and i had to laugh. i guess it is true about great minds and thinking. it seems like a good tradition though, to lay it all out and have a look at where we've been and maybe to think about where we are headed.

there weren't as many photos to choose from this year, in fact some months were pretty slim pickins, so it won't be all toothy grins and clean faces, but then i guess that is closer to life anyway. here it is, cohen's year in review.

june

july

august

september

october

november

december

january

february

march

april

may

today, my two year old boy!

we came, we saw, we ate chocolate cake

i wanted to start this entry by telling you about the birthday parties my mom used to throw for me outside on our sun deck every year. i knew that words probably wouldn't be able to do it justice, and so i was going to start with a picture of me somewhere around ten with sun drenched skin and a pale blue halter dress sitting on rattan furniture, surrounded by friends and beautiful pots of flowers, eating hot dogs and drinking chocolate milk, but i couldn't find the picture, and so it turns out my words will have to be enough. what i wanted was for the photo to show you just how wonderful it was, how large a part of my childhood those parties played. my birthday is in august and i don't remember a year that it wasn't sunny for the party, maybe my mom remembers it different, but as a child my memories are nothing but fond. it was almost always the same group of friends that would come, as the years carried on our interests would change from my little pony to lego and then to music or boys, but one thing always stayed the same, us sitting outside eating hot dogs and laughing. this is what i always imagined it would be like when i had kids one day, sundecks filled with flowers and sun drenched skin, hotdogs and laughing. i was lucky enough to have a baby in the summer, my baby who isn't much of a baby anymore, but would i ever have the sun deck, the flowers? you may be tired of me talking about how much this place means to me by now, but it does. it is everything i wanted for us, kids playing hockey in the alley and neighbours that say hi every time they pass. i didn't know life could be like this in the city, we should have done this so much longer ago.

so this year we had a party, and it was outside and it was filled with sun drenched skin, potted flowers (although mine will never be as nice as my moms were, how could they be?) family, and friends that feel like family. we ate cake and splashed in a little pool made out in the shape of a dragon, and we laughed. it was perfect. i wished we owned this house, i wish that i knew that this was the first of many birthdays that will happen right here on this deck, but no matter where we go i hope we always have this, a plot of grass to call our own.

so happy birthday to the pooper! he is sleeping now, all partied out, no doubt dreaming of chocolate cake and water tables. i will leave you with some pictures and of course you know where you can see the rest.

how ada made her way into the world

thanks to everyone for all the comments and congratulations! we really appreciate it. i am sorry that it has taken me longer than i thought to give you all an update, but it is true what they say, two is a lot more work than one, especially the first couple of days when everyone is going through such an adjustment.

so it all started on wednesday morning when i woke around 2:00 with contractions. they were manageable, but i felt for sure that they were the real thing. around 9 am i phoned my mom and told her i thought this might be it and asked if she could come in and get cohen. she arrived around 11 am, but by then the contractions had decided to disappear. i felt foolish, thinking for sure that this was it, but my mom tried to help me not feel discouraged and suggested that her and cohen and i go for a walk, which we did. i was hoping they would start again on the walk but we had no such luck. just in case they came back my mom decided to take cohen back home with her sometime around 3 and i decided to get some sleep and went down for a nap. i woke from the nap with a strong contraction at 6 and had hope again, but another didn't come for a long time and so i decided once and for all to ignore them and went to bed for the night around 10.


i woke up again around 2 am with contractions, only this time instead of feeling hope i was feeling frustrated, i needed sleep! i continued to lie in bed to see if they would get closer together, they didn't. they were coming about every ten minutes which would give me just enough time to dose off and then be awakened by what was beginning to be excruciating contractions. this continued for a couple of hours, sometimes i had to get up and walk around, but they still never got closer together, and i was just waiting for them to stop. at around 10 am i decided to call the on call dr. at he hospital just to make sure there was nothing i needed to be worried about and to ask for some advice on how to get things going. the doctor who was on call was one that i quite like and once i had explained my situation she confirmed that she didn't think i was in active labour and suggested that i clean the house or go for another walk and that i should be prepared that this could go on for a couple of days yet. she also said that if anything changed or i felt uncomfortable that i could just come in and i didn't need to call back. to say i felt deflated would be an understatement. i was so exhausted from all the wondering and even though the contractions weren't close together, they were strong and were taking a lot out of me. once again i went and laid down and tried to wait it out.



it was only an hour later when things took a turn. the contractions didn't get closer together, but they changed somehow, the feeling was different and it made me nervous. i told marko that even if i looked foolish i felt a need to go to the hospital, and so we started to get ready. we both had a shower and grabbed the last few things and then called a cab. in the cab there i had a couple of contractions where it seemed like i wanted to push, but i didn't think this was possible, i mean i was concerned that they were just going to send me right back home, how could i have the urge to push? by this point with all the uncertainty i was beginning to think i was crazy anyway.

we arrived at the hospital around 12:30, got checked in, and waited for a room, the nurse having decided that i could skip the assessment area. we were finally in our room and i was checked by the doctor around 1:20 pm and she said i was 7cm dilated. phew, i thought, they aren't going to send me home, but i still thought i had a long haul, i mean i hadn't had a ton of terrible contractions and isn't this supposed to take hours and hours?? the nurse encouraged me to get in the shower for a bit at this point and so i did. she came in and said that if i felt the urge to push to come and get her. i couldn't have been in there more than 15 minutes when i felt a terrible urge to push and told marko. he went and got her and i started drying off, i was feeling a little panicky, having had the epidural with cohen i had never experienced that strong desire to push and it was a little unsettling, considering i thought i had so much longer to go.


the doctor came in and checked again and i was fully dilated. what!?! so soon? i was told that the next time i felt the urge to push i should go ahead. every contraction after that i felt the urge and it quickly became obvious that soon i would be having a baby. half an hour later our daughter was born into dad's waiting hands (he said she felt like a fish out of water and nearly dropped her!) and put up on my tummy, my water breaking at the very last moment (the dr. said that this meant she would grow up to be a sailor). a girl! she was born at 3:01. thank goodness i decided to listen to myself and come into the hospital.

it was such an amazing birth experience and so much different then what i was expecting. i didn't have that moment where i needed the epidural, or thought i couldn't go on. it was mentioned that because cohen was so big, his birth made it easier for this one and i think that must be true, thank goodness for that.

we are all doing well and so far the adjustment has been easier than i expected, but i will save the cohen update for another day.

to you, the one turning two

this is what we woke up to this morning! it seemed strange at first, but then i remembered that cohen and i were wishing we were in edmonton today to celebrate atticus' second birthday, and it all made sense. so if we endure the snow, does that mean we get to eat cake?

happy birthday, we wish we were there!

happy birthday! and other such things

there are two excellent reasons to celebrate today, the first is that it is my mom, jessie's, birthday. that is her up there in the class picture, she is second row from the bottom third from the left. i love these old class pictures of hers that i have. silvija was quick to point out that there are 8 boys and 21 girls in the photo, those are some good odds for the boys. this picture was taken 54 years ago and she still looks just as cute today. so cheers to you on another birthday, i hope you have a great year!

the other reason to celebrate is that today is my second to last day at work or better put, tomorrow is my last day. everyone keeps asking me if i feel excited, but i don't think excited is the word. relieved is closer to the truth, relieved to be taking a little bit off my plate (well a lot actually) and to finally get a chance to sleep in past seven and relax more. things have seemed so hectic lately. as for the spending more time with cohen part, well i guess that would fall under excited, i can't wait! still it will be strange to leave all my co-workers behind and begin my life as a full-time mom, we'll see how it goes.

as for things not worth celebrating today (cause the good always comes with bad), cohen has been quite sick since last friday night and as a result i have had very little sleep and am now starting to feel sick myself. we have been pretty lucky so far with him and sickness, but this one has really knocked him off his feet. i joked the other day that it was the first time i think i have ever seen him without energy, and it is true. lying around on the couch all day whining, sipping his juice, and refusing to eat, he is a ball of sadness. tonight he ate dinner for the first time in 5 days, let's hope he is on the mend.

it takes two and it used to take only one

it was sometime around ten o'clock last saturday night that nicole called to me from the other side of the campsite, "come check this out". naturally i got up and made the trek to where she was. it was there, out in the open, that she pointed up at the giant trees that towered above us, a mesmerizing glow emanating from the sky causing a silhouette of the forest to stand out. it was the time between dusk and dark when everything is a strange shade of blue and the air seems quiet and still. magical. "isn't it amazing?" she asked, and it was, only i couldn't tell you why. it just was. i thought for a moment about going back to the tent and grabbing my camera, coming back and perching it on a stump for stability in the low light and trying to capture the moment, but i didn't. i didn't because i knew without even trying that it could never be done. some things can never be captured for later. somethings lose too much in translation to make it worth while. so we stood side by side in the moment and stared up at the sky, awestruck with the beauty before us.


this past year i have taken more than a thousand pictures of cohen, some of which i have shared here, while others sit on our server preserved for the future. i know this is a little ridiculous and a hard challenge to live up to if there are any more children in our future, but i did it because it was what i needed to do. to preserve. to remember. or at least to try. looking back now, (and even in the moment i think i knew) i realize that pictures will never tell the whole story though, just like the words of this blog, they are doomed to fail. don't get me wrong, i am grateful for them and glad they exist, but as the year came to a close i realized that those moments have come and gone, they only live in my head now and even that can't be entirely trusted. it isn't a new revelation, or even a particularly interesting one really, but when you have children it is different, sadder somehow, this passing of time.

i had intended to come here and tell you what this year has meant to me, the long afternoons outside in the sun, or mornings spent lounging in bed playing games, the first smiles and then laughter, urges towards mobility followed far too quickly by walking, about how full my heart feels when i look over every morning and see him sitting there in his crib waiting, a toothy grin filling his face, "mama" sputtering from his lips, arms up in anticipation. there are a thousand moments like this, maybe more, each one of them unique and perfect and mine. but telling them would never work, just like the trees at dusk, they can't be translated. i won't even try. instead i will just say that i am thankful, so very thankful for the abundance of joy i am given everyday. i smile to think of the millions of moments that are out there lurking, waiting for us to arrive. i can't wait!

a photographic year in review
june

july

august

september

october

november

december

january

february

march

april

may

one year



oh, and i did end up getting the obligatory birthday cake shot! of course it was when we were back home and it was leftover cake, but that still counts...right?

it's just bad timing that's all

the camping trip didn't go as well as i hoped it would. as i was packing the car on friday i had a nagging feeling that we shouldn't go, maybe it was the thick clouds rolling in over the mountains, or the terrible forecast for the weekend, or maybe it was just that everything felt a little off. whatever the reason, i should have listened to that voice, but instead, as we are all apt to do, i went ahead with the plan.

the things i am remembering most right now:
1. the rain. the torrential rain that began to pelt on the roof of the tent sometime in the wee hours of friday night and continued almost without reprieve until our departure on sunday.
2. cohen's lack of happiness and nearly constant state of distress. this would be the main umbrella where i would put his fever, his crankiness and his lack of appetite and my worry about all of the above (we now think all of this was a direct result of new teeth).
3. complaining, so much complaining.


things i am not remembering most right now but that i hope will be the true memory that stands the test of time.
1. that satisfied feeling of setting up camp. the careful planning and executing of tarps and tents into a configuration that makes the space feel like home despite the weather. knowing that when it rains it is ok, we are ok, there will be no leaking.
2. finally in a fit of frustration (i am not going to have the only memory of his first birthday be of him miserable and upset!) packing up cohen and marko and our swimming gear (which i foolishly brought thinking that the weather might turn around and a lake swim might happen) and heading to the squamish aquatic centre where we splashed and laughed and forgot for a moment that the weekend wasn't turning out so fantastic. cohen didn't have as much energy for the pool as he normally would, but we got some smiles and there weren't any tears!
3. sitting in front of the fire, dry and warm under the tarp as the rain pelted above us, sick and needy cohen nestled snuggly into my chest, fast asleep, dreaming of trees.
4. the bbq'ed steak and chicken dinner enjoyed with a bottle of red wine and some pretty fantastic friends, oh and the chocolate cake with raspberries and whipped cream for dessert (mmm steak and cake).

so the weekend wasn't great. the expectation wasn't met. there were no fantastic back to nature photos taken, no whipped cream on noses or splashes in lakes, but there was family, my family and that is always something to celebrate. i feel very lucky for all that i have, even when it is raining outside, and have lost enough in life to know how important it is to cherish everything that you have. i do. still, i hope that next time we get some sun!

i plan on one more birthday post, a retrospective of sorts, so look for that in the next couple of days.

this last photo was taken in the aquatic centre parking lot. we had left our campsite and driven down the highway to squamish with this poor slug on our car. we only realized once we got there and saw him clinging to the side, likely very confused. by the look on cohen's face he wasn't the only one!

your's is the first face that i saw

birthday week is upon us! i say birthday week as it is important to milk these things for all they are worth. cohen's birthday week kicked off last sunday with a little gathering at our house in his honour. the cake was blueberry banana with cream cheese icing, which to my great disappointment is a very stable and clean eating cake. cohen not only got the whole thing into his tummy, but licked all of his fingers with little to no mess on his face. very disappointing indeed. still, there was singing and balloon poking and attention, so much attention, that there was no way cohen couldn't have a great time.

today cohen continued his week long celebration by hanging out at grandma's. apparently he spent a portion of today basking in the lush backyard in nothing but the skin he came in, which is pretty much the best day ever for him, and then grandma let him suck on the juicy middle of a mango. tomorrow i am off work for the day and plan to take him to the park in the morning and swimming in the afternoon. we haven't been swimming in almost a month and i have missed it immensely. i can't wait!

his actual birthday, as some of you know, is on saturday. we will be spending that day contemplating life under a canopy of trees as we are headed into the woods for a little back to nature weekend. it will be our first annual camp cohen (as dubbed by this years attendee nicole). the weather looks like it might be warm and sunny, which could mean a dip in the lake and some more naked playing for the pooper, and some much needed relaxation for mom. oh, and of course there will be another cake for the actual day, this time though it won't be so clean. whip cream should be sufficiently messy enough!

so wish us luck with the weather and we will see you back here on monday with some photos of our adventure.