i give you my word, i won't do anything stupid

well that time of year is upon us. the time when we pull out the tent and bag, fill up the stove and stock up on beer. yes this weekend is the season opener. camping is here. i never went last year, this year is gonna be big.

hey pass me the axe
what?
the axe, pass it to me
what for?
cause i got some chopping to do over here
you got a beer buddy?
huh?
a beer, you got one? cause you're soundin kinda sober
i told you i'm gonna chop
no seriously, let me get you a beer
...
you're right that's way better, thanks.

something she said sounded familiar

winding down the country lane
just past two on a tuesday
she asked me for a light.
i wasn't sure which way she meant it
so i leaned over to enquire.
just then we collided.

my words were destined to fail

i sang you a song
and you danced like a madman through the lane
the birds yelled hello
and the waitress just smiled from the doorway

to be young again
free and floating through eternity

grasping and needing
wanting and pleading
holding and leaving
saying goodbye.

what seems simple in the moonlight in the morning rarely is

collages
little pieces taken from everywhere and brought down on this one sheet. the colours, the history combined to make the story. the new one.

i could take pieces of me, the garfield bear whose eyes scratched on the ground while we shopped, the mary jane shoes and lacey barettes, the moths from the window, a tooth (the one that fell out that fateful august day), rollerskates, a photograph taken in the eighties when I still looked young and innocent, a bottle of gin, a pack of cards, a list of excuses and the truth. I will lay them all down, assemble the pieces and create the story of my undoing.

re-arranged and turned inside out you can never read the same. but it would be good to get it all out there and look at it awhile. take inventory of all the things i carry with me.

caught in the moment unaware

yesterday i found the polaroids in the space between your house and mine, they were still wrapped tightly in that off white tissue paper, old and faded from the days since they were taken. do you remember? we took them that rainy august afternoon while we waited for the clothes to dry. it was hot in the apartment and the steam from the instant noodles clouded the windows. we pressed our faces to the glass and smiled. you wanted to be arty and original but when they dried we laughed at the silliness. you always took yourself so serious, the long hair and big ideas. i don’t remember why we kept them, i guess the same reasons we keep anything, to prove that we came from somewhere, that before we were this, we were something else. we will always have that.

that which is from the earth is of the greatest worth

well maia's day is here. i looked high and low for inspiration on what to do to commemorate her birthday and a plan came to me at the last minute. some time ago i heard someone ask another, "when was the last time you spent the whole day outside?" and the response was "not since i was a kid". at first i said what?!? really?? but then i realized the same could be said for me. so to honour maia and earth day i spent the whole day outside. walking, sitting, reading, laughing and remembering. i also added in a few important ideas and ended up with this. enjoy....


me getting ready first thing in the morning to embark on a trip

this is the place where i set down my blanket and relaxed. the weather was amazing and hot. i sat and watched people pass by for some time, thinking about maia, the future, the past. it was perfect.

i decided somewhere between leaving the house and travelling back home that i would get a bonsaii in honour of maia. i have been fascinated with them lately and thought this the perfect occasion. there was talk for some time about purchasing a tree for our patio that we could one day plant in our yard for her but we moved into an apartment without a balcony and it never happened. this is the next best thing. a little tree for our little angel.

we purchased a memorial tile for maia at bc women's hospital some time ago but it was only installed recently. we were waiting for her birthday to see it. it was strange being back on the ward where we stayed but strangely i felt a calmness about it. where i used to cringe at the sound of babies crying i felt hope and an optimism for the future. i was glad we went.

we bought a cake. i would normally make one but just didn't feel up to it today. we have decided that we will start a tradition as a way of us and our family-to-be to remember maia. this years cake is tiramisu. i am going to make some butternut squash gnocci i picked up at granville island soon, that, a bottle of wine, some cake and a movie will likely round out our night.

all in all it was a wonderful day. i think i might have gotten a little sunburned but i don't mind. i wanted a mix of celebration and somber rememberance and i think i succeeded.

wherever you are maia i hope you know how much we love you and miss you today and everyday in between.

putting myself in their shoes, one foot at a time

so the question of the day, the one we all come to know the answer to in the end, if we are lucky...or i suppose for some, unfortunate enough. what is it like to be old? is it a little like being a chronic pot smoker? always feeling slightly hung over and achy, a cough that plagues you and the inability to remember moment to moment. you leave the house get to the bus and remember you forgot your coat and your busfare? or maybe just forget why you are at the bus stop at all? cause if it is like that i am not sure how good that is going to be. i suppose there was never any contractual obligation that it was going to be fun...for that bullshit thinking you need only look to the previous post. but still?

i would like to think that there is a wisdom that settles in with age. that the need to make and do and be something leaves you and for the first time in your life you play by your own rules. this is why they take so long to count the change at the til, this is why they say out loud crazy stuff that most of us only think, because they can. they have finally realized that all that other stuff doesn't matter. what matters is how i feel right now in this moment and what i feel like doing. self centred to be sure, but honest. wouldn't we all be happier that way? so i need to figure that out, the old person persona, and live it, but maybe at a slightly faster pace. cause if i figure it out now i may be in for a lifetime of happiness and at this point anything is worth a shot.

because i could not stop for death he kindly stopped for me

revisiting old thoughts with new eyes can be enough to make it through that moment, the one where you are standing stark naked in the middle of gym and the kids are laughing. to see it anew and realize what it meant after all this time. it wasn't about the kids and their snarling little jowels flipped back in an hysterical grin, it isn't about your nakedness as it echoes through the enormous space. it is about the moment you look up, look them all in the eye, everyone of them...and grin.

life is a tough proposition, there are no two ways about it. those who claim that once a mind is set anything is possible haven't a clue. i am all for ambition (despite the fact that i, quite clearly, have none) but why not tell it like it is, roll out the red carpet and announce it. sometimes shit just happens. your bike gets stolen, you fail your test, you lose the guy (the one your swore was yours), you chip your tooth, break you leg and lose your dreams. you blink and the world flips up and over and all the change falls from your pocket, you lose a shoe and limp home with wet socks. once there you fall into the first available space and realize in that instance that life will never be the same because now you know. you have no control. it is a hard pill to swallow. this week marks one year from the week my world flipped over (http://members.shaw.ca/taradeans/maia), somedays i feel as though my legs have found earth again and i am ready to look them in the eye. i am ready to grin. but most days i stay under the couch with the phone turned off and the volume turned up. memorizing how to remember and remembering how to forget.