revisiting old thoughts with new eyes can be enough to make it through that moment, the one where you are standing stark naked in the middle of gym and the kids are laughing. to see it anew and realize what it meant after all this time. it wasn't about the kids and their snarling little jowels flipped back in an hysterical grin, it isn't about your nakedness as it echoes through the enormous space. it is about the moment you look up, look them all in the eye, everyone of them...and grin.
life is a tough proposition, there are no two ways about it. those who claim that once a mind is set anything is possible haven't a clue. i am all for ambition (despite the fact that i, quite clearly, have none) but why not tell it like it is, roll out the red carpet and announce it. sometimes shit just happens. your bike gets stolen, you fail your test, you lose the guy (the one your swore was yours), you chip your tooth, break you leg and lose your dreams. you blink and the world flips up and over and all the change falls from your pocket, you lose a shoe and limp home with wet socks. once there you fall into the first available space and realize in that instance that life will never be the same because now you know. you have no control. it is a hard pill to swallow. this week marks one year from the week my world flipped over (http://members.shaw.ca/taradeans/maia), somedays i feel as though my legs have found earth again and i am ready to look them in the eye. i am ready to grin. but most days i stay under the couch with the phone turned off and the volume turned up. memorizing how to remember and remembering how to forget.
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