the peaceful quiet you create for me

we went to granville island today to lift our spirits, not that our spirits were low but there is something about that place that makes me smile from ear to ear. as you can imagine we were approached by many people wanting to discuss cohen and much to my surprise it went swimmingly well. neither marko nor i are the small talk type, at least not with strangers. i think i might even go so far as to say we have a phobia of it. marko usually puts on the sour face and stands in defiance, he intimidates them to leave and i smile slightly off kilter and say as little as humanly possible, but not today. today the sun was shining, the lunch was delicious and we, well we were friendly. much discussion over size and age and hair quantity ensued. words of wisdom espoused and a generally warm feeling was being handed out. it was nice. i don't expect it to last on my part but i will try. i swear i will. as long as you are not crazy, smelly or want to touch him i will make an effort to be nice. there is something about babies that makes people swoon, i will soon be a swooner myself, time to jump into the game.

we had a doctors appointment today and thankfully some of my worries were alayed. you see we have ourselves a puker. not just a little spit up here and there, no trickles from the side of the mouth. more like all of his lunch on the floor and streaming down my back. it started about 4 days ago and although it isn't after every feeding it has been everyday and i was worried. i would watch him eat with such vigour, gulping every last drop as quick as can be and then bringing it all back up. we compared him to a roman gorging on food cause it feels good. no self control. and as much as we joked there were also tears, great big crocodile tears falling harder than rain on a february morning as i asked why? why is he getting sick? and panicking that he wasn't gaining weight. then we went to the appointment and found out that he is not only gaining but is gaining in a big way. so big she thinks he could be as heavy as 18 pounds by 2 months! apparently the throwing up is "just one of those things" that some babies get. lucky me. but it is ok we have hard wood flooring and a washing machine so we are set. now to just sit back and let the gorging begin.

in other non-baby related news (is there really such a thing? i swore i wouldn't become this person and yet...well the proof it is here..my brain, where did it go?) i decided to download grey's anatomy. i had never seen an episode as we don't have cable, or a tv for that matter, but i had heard good things. so i downloaded season one and yesterday starting sometime around 9 am i unknowingly started a marathon that ended around dinner with me having watched all nine episodes. this show is like crack. now i am anxiously waiting for season two to finish, all 26 episodes (which makes me feel giddy with anticipation). it should be done sometime tonight. i know what i will be doing tomorrow. but all this has me thinking that maybe there are other shows out there that are great that i have never seen? i like to have something to watch while he feeds (oh no are we back to babies again!?) but i know those 26 episodes are only going to see me through the weekend so i am looking for suggestions. do you have a favourite show that i should check out? all suggestions greatly appreciated.



look out there is a new pooper in town

well we are home, the new family of three!

i think i have a minute here to write the update so i will give it a go. so as you know i was scheduled for induction on friday which wasn't best case scenario and we weren't confident it was going to result in my vbac but it was something to get the show on the road and so we were willing to try anything. as it turns out cohen had plans of his own. thursday night around 5:30 i felt the first of what i believed to be labour pains and they were coming about every 6.5 minutes for a couple of hours. the contractions were moderate (or so i thought then!) and i was able to tolerate them. at this point i was excited that something was happening on it's own, feeling that my body was working with me for the first time in awhile! i phoned my doula and she explained that once they were closer and more intense (toe curlers...as she likes to call them) to give her a call back. i ordered take out thai and marko and i had some dinner, me secretly hoping that things continued on, but quietly doubting it to be the real thing only because until now my body liked to fool me. by 9:30 there was little doubt left as the pain got more intense (although not what i could really call intense as i found out later) and they were coming every 5 minutes like clockwork.

at this point i decided to use a TENS machine that i had rented for the occasion to help with pain relief as jacquie (my doula, who also was the one that recommended the machine) indicated it was better to use it sooner than later. there was still no toe curling but i was starting to get nervous about what i was in for. by about 11:30 i was leaning over the dresser onto a quilt and focusing on my breathing through the tough ones and i was starting to notice a pattern. if a contractions came quickly (every 3 minutes) then it was tolerable but when it went to 5 minutes or more it wasn't and so i anxiously watched the clocked and prayed it wouldn't go too long. inevitably every 4 or 5 of them would fall into the longer category. there was more talking with jacquie and at about 1am when i spoke with her she could sense a change in my voice, she knew it was time for her to come into our place and be with us.

we stayed at home another couple of hours with jacquie helping us try different techniques. i would lie on my side on the bed as she rubbed my legs and marko my back and the contractions would only come every 7 minutes. of course this meant that they were much more intense, but the time in between gave me the time to relax. i couldn't handle the intensity for long though and after about 45 minutes on the bed i was back up rocking back and forth and walking to and from the window (just focus on making it to the window one breath at a time jacquie would say). around 3 i started to feel some pain in my c-section scar, it wasn't sharp but dull and so likely nothing to worry about but still i was aware of it. i continued to feel it and expressed my concernand so we decided to check on babies heartrate with a]the doppler i had rented as a safety net and it was still doing great in the 150's. we continued on. around 4 i started to wonder how bad it had to get before we went to the hospital? she said whenever i wanted to go was fine, that is was important to go with my gut feeling. i foolishly thought we were some how getting close to the end! i felt like i needed a change of pace, to feel like wheels were turning and so i said i thought we should go. the three of us got in her car and headed out.

once there i started having a couple of regrets, if for no other reason than all the lights and monitoring and the bitchy nurse. i was checked for progress and showed to be paper thin and 3cm dlilated so there was definate progress! (phew) after another hour we got our room and i decided to take off the TENS (which i have to say i found very helpful with pain management) machine and have a shower. the pressure back and forth on my lower back felt really great and i stayed in for about 40 minutes, sitting on the birthing ball (which jacquie acquired for me) and leaning against the wall. constantly changing positions seemed to offer the greatest relief. the contractions continued to come about every 4 minutes and they continued to get stronger.

when i got out i was hooked back up to the TENS and the monitors and babies heartrate was a little high, high enough to cause a little concern and so the on call doctor was called to come in from home to keep an eye out. it was thought that his rate elevated because of the hot water and that it would go down quickly but by the time the doctor came it had only come down slightly, however, he felt comfortable with continuing on with a watchful eye. within 20 minutes the heartrate returned back to normal, thank goodness. it was just after 7 now and we discussed the possiblity of rupturing the membranes to which i agreed. little did i know what i was in for. i heard the doctor when he said that things could get intense afterwards but i don't think it fully computed because afterwards things started to get really tough.

unfortunately i ended up falling into the category of women who after the water broke was having continual contractions and by continual i do mean it literally. i was only being given about 10-30 seconds in between to recover and they were lasting nearly 2 minutes. for an hour and a half i was having 4 every ten minutes and they were becoming more than i could handle! the doctor came in and had a look, i was up to 5cm. i asked to talk about pain medication and he explained morphine and gas as well as an epidural, he didn't feel comfortable right now to do the epi only because he was worried it would slow my progress and i was still firm that i didn't want it. i talked it over with jacquie and decided to give the gas a chance since with morphine there was no turning back. i found it difficult to alter my breathing enough to make it work though. until then i had been breathing in deep through the nose and out through the mouth but with the gas i had to inhale deeply through my mouth and the air was stale and difficult. still it gave me a new point of focus and so i kept on it. my contractions continued to be really intense and close together and the nurse commented that she didn't often see them come this way for so long. one came around 10:00 that was so intense i ended up sucking back gas 5 or 6 times in a row really long and when i closed my eyes i felt incredibly dizzy. i knew i was going to throw up and i did. it was about then i regretted having dinner at all. of course my nurse and jaquie were excited because they knew this meant progress. i felt awful and i couldn't even recover as contractions would just keep coming and coming and coming.

it was only 15 minutes after this that i started to cry and said i can't do it anymore and i really meant it. i was at the point where i wasn't even aware of who was in the room or what was going on! so the doctor came in and tried to reassure me that i was doing great and that so far i had done really well, that i was strong enough to do this. i even had a moment where i believed him! but then i asked him to be honest and tell me how much longer it was going to be, i told myself that if he said less than 2 hours i would push on. he said "i won't lie it is probably going to be another 5 or 6 hours" and that was it, in that moment all my lofty ideals about not having an epidural went out the window and i said i needed one. i sensed relief on the faces around me which made me think they knew something i didn't and that this was a good idea. i was told that it could be 15-45 minutes before someone could come and give me the epi, that from now on i just needed to focus on one contraction at a time. they were really bad at this point but i was focussing on the calm that would come with the pain relief and just working through each one. jacquie kept reassuring me and helped me to focus through the moment.

luckily i fell on the short end of the scale and the anaesthesioligist was there within 15 minutes. she explained that it would still be about 30 minutes before the pain was gone and that i needed to focus on sitting still. as many of you know this is easier said than done. while she was prepping and inserting i had three really strong contractions and just clenched marko's hand as tightly as i could and focused on staying still. i didn't even feel the needle, i was beyond feeling that kind of pain i think. i remembered her saying that it may not take the first time and we may have to try again. i decided right then and there that i would curl up and die if i had to keep going another hour! luckily for me i didn't and within 20 minutes the contractions had started to get tolerable and within 35 they were gone. it was now around 11.

there was calm present after the pain was gone and marko set up a bed in the corner and decided to nap, jacquie went out for some food and i tried to recover. i wasn't able to sleep much but the nurse i had was great and we chatted about her kids and child raising. it was hard to imagine i was the same person as before and when the doctor came in to ask me how i felt i quickly responded with "like i just won the lottery" and he said oh yeah well wait until cohen is here, that is really winning the lottery! after awhile i will admit i started to feel a little like i had failed, that i weakened in a moment of difficulty. luckily for me jacquie sensed me thinking it cause without prompting she came over and said that she thought i did so much better than most women would have been able and that i am not a failure for choosing this, that anyone would have in the same scenario. she also showed me the monitor that showed i was still having 4 contractions every ten minutes and said there is no way you would have been able to do this for so long. i am not sure she is right because i know a lot of women do but in the moment it was what i needed to hear. i knew in my heart i couldn't anyway, not for another 5 hours. i just didn't have it in me.

at this point we just wanted to wait and see. at 3 i was checked again and miraculously i was fully dilated! the doctor felt it was best to just wait and allow babies head to move it's way down to the point of showing before pushing, knowing that if you push too soon then you could expend all your energy before getting the job done. so we continued to wait and see. i was able to doze off for about 40 minutes and then my mom came into the room and we chatted for a bit. she couldn't believe i had been in labour for so long and was feeling really emotional. i know that everyone was just anxious to meet him and know that he is fine.

around 4:30 i was checked again and they would see babies head without any prompting, at this point i could also start to feel the urge to push. it was obviously not as strong as women without pain relief but it was enough that i knew on my own and so it was decided to start the next stage. for the first half an hour i was doing really well with the pushing and made great progress, we continually changed positions to try and shake things up and it seemed to be working. they thought it was going to be a few hours of pushing but shortly in they started to doubt that. i did have a period of about 30 minutes where i started having trouble though and i know that slowed it up a little. but soon we were seeing the head stay in position in between contractions and that gave me a renewed energy, i knew it wouldn't be long before he was finally here. it was at this point that i relized it was getting close to 6 which was the time my doctor, the one i have had for years, the one who was there with us when maia died, was supposed to come on shift. i secretly think he was just waiting so that she could be there with us.

it was at 6:45 that he finally decided to make his grand entrance with into the world and just like i asked he came screaming. he was put up on my chest and settled right away and it was there that he stayed for the next 45 minutes. i know it was important for my doctor to be there, to see everything come full circle and in that moment when he came out and we knew that everything was fine there wasn't dry eye in the room. expecially not mine. he wasn't weighed for about an hour and in that time he peed twice so we joked that he trying to lose weight before the big weigh in to cheat the system but the official number on record is 9 lbs 7 oz, length is 21.5 inches and head circumfrance 14.5 inches. i mention that last one because unfortunately i did tear quite badly and my doctor confessed afterwards that she thought i might when she saw his head starting to show more. let's just hope it means he is going to end up a genuis like his dad!

a few hours later all my family was able to come into the room and my mom brought birthday cake and champagne and we all sang happy birthday to him as he fed. for the first time it felt like it was real. he was really here and he was really ok. it has been perfect every since.

i hope the last two days are an indication of how he will be as he is a master at breastfeeding and so far we have had zero problems, he was weighed again today and has hardly lost any weight, he barely fusses and is very alert..oh and he is doing great in the pooping and peeing department as well. i guess you could say he is our perfect little angel, only he is not an angel he is here with us and it is great.


i can relate

sleepy kitty

oh and i came upon this recently and it had me laughing so hard i thought i should share. maybe not everyones humour but if it is yours i am sure you will appreciate it.

wax on, wax off

it is before 6 in the morning and galena is lying on the carpet twitching her way through another dream. she gets fed every morning at 5, a routine that started out as more like 6:30, which is when i would get up for work and has slowly leveled it's way back to unreasonably early. my body is clocked for it though so it is fine. come 5 everyday i wake up, eyes still shut and walk through the motions, scoop of food into bowl, pat on head, a groggy good morning and back to bed. i have noticed though that cohen has found his way into the rythmn. turns out that he too likes 5am and without fail everyday this week he has woken quite energetically at this time, i think he is in there doing his morning exercises to sweatin to the oldies. it should be good when he is here, a little early morning bonding session with me and the kids. and so i too have altered my internal clock which is why i am here writing on my blog before 6 on a thursday.

good news came down yesterday, well good in the not best case scenario but still hopeful and positive none-the-less kind of way. my cervix has finally changed enough so as to be deemed favourable for an induction. i am on the list to go in tomorrow. it has been a bit of a rough week with lots of appointments at the hospital (all tests came back great..he is healthy and happy in there!) and at the doctor's office (mostly just sob fests due to overloaded hormones) and acupuncture (whoever thought all those needles would be relaxing?). i have been having lots of contractions on and then off and then on again so it was nice to find out that in fact there has been some progress. as of tuesday i had almost given up on my bodies ability to get this going on it't own and a repeat section was planned for tomorrow. now there is at least hope that he might come out the old fashion way. any way we slice it though tomorrow is the day that things get started. we are starting to get excited over here! i think galena is still a little unsure of how this is all going to play out, i keep explaining to her that we will still love her and she will still get fed at the regular times but she takes after me and is a bit of a skeptic i think. i'm not worried though, this little guy seems so stubborn i am sure they will hit it off right away.


this situation keeps me drinking every god damn day and night

short version: still here, he is still in there.

i am beginning to think that this needs to be a reality show, get a bunch of pregnant women together and prevent them from going into labour (but of course throw in generous amounts of false labour just to throw them off) and see who lasts the longest without going batshit crazy. for extra entertainment you get people to phone and say "is the baby here yet?" and then offer up pearls of wisdom like "you need to relax or he will never come", "maybe he is scared of the world, you need to reassure him it is ok" and of course they must be told at least 4 times everyday that "he will come when he is good and ready we just have to be patient!".

for those that make it long enough without begging for mercy you then subject them to various forms of testing including the amniotic fluid index where they are told to drink 4 litres of water before the exam. they can pee as they like (no kidding! could you imagine the alternative) which essentially means they are spending every minute before the appointment sitting on the toilet with a water bottle. then they go to the hospital where the nurses are non-commital and serious. even if everything is fine and the baby is kicking like crazy these nurses have this magical power to instill fear...maybe it is just me?

yeah this show would be good..neigh great! imagine all the tears? all the begging for it to be over? the reactions of the anxious husbands? and the best part is that in the end every one of the women ends up with a baby (thereby proving the other platitude "when he is here a few days extra will seem like nothing"). everyone loves a hollywood ending. heck there doesn't have to be a prize other than the baby itself. well and the eventual return of sanity.

yeah so i guess that is the long version. now where is that water bottle?



well turns out the skeptic in me wins. i had contractions for about 5 hours last night, nothing regular but it was something. they seemed to be around every 8-10 minutes. my doula said to try and get some sleep. i managed to around 12:30 and when i woke up this morning around 8:30 they were all gone, everything back to business as usual.

hard to not feel defeated but i am trying. and so the day goes on.


it's all question marks and incandescent hearts

alright well i went for acupuncture this morning. it wasn't exactly what i was expecting but it was interesting. the practitioner said that 67% of her clients go into labour within 24 hours of their first treatment, to which marko promptly replied (to me later of course) that 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot. i am a skeptic to be sure but i am willing to give anything the benefit of the doubt. i don't expect miracles, but a couple of solid contractions would be nice.

after that i went home and felt all tangled up, like waiting for the end of the world to arrive, or the day you get to take that big trip to europe (ok so one of those is terrible and the other exciting...actually i think that is fairly apt). so i called up my friend catriona and we went walking and talking and coffee drinking and finally chocolate fondue eating and then i came home. i hadn't noticed much on the walk, other than the constant pressure on my nether regions and the soreness in my hips from the waddle. but when i got home and sat for a bit i started to notice that maybe things are a little different. it has progressed to the title of uncomfortable now but don't get excited it is nothing really. just a slight change, a buckling over every now and again with cramps...but wait maybe this is how it starts? that is the crazy thing about all this, i have absolutely no idea how this goes down. they say you will know it when it happens so i guess it is nothing. but maybe it is the beginning of the something for which i am going to know.

so i am going to go take a hot shower now and some deep breaths, i am going to reassure him that it is ok to come out, i cleaned the house and we got the new couch, we are ready. he likes listening to chick corea so maybe i will bribe him later with a little jazz. play it for a couple of minutes and tell him he can hear the rest after he comes out. maybe that isn't the best way to start my child-rearing days.

until then keep hoping that chinese medicine knows a thing of two and in fact i am one of those 67%, it has been 10 hours now...they still have 14 to prove themselves.


trust your intuition, it's just like going fishin, you cast a line and hope you catch a bite

i see that a lot of people have been coming here on a daily basis and since i normally only have a handful of visitors (on a good day) i can only assume that you are here looking to see if cohen has arrived yet. of course there are no pictures littering the page and so you know that he hasn't. not yet. mentally it is taking a toll on me but so far all is good. i thought i would be boring and mundane for today and give everyone an update.

as many of you know i was due last sunday and as of my appointment today my cervix is still closed, this doesn't mean much in the grand scheme as sometimes people don't dilate at all before going into labour so for now i am not too worried about it. if i don't go into labour before monday i will go in for some testing to make sure everything is ok with the amniotic fluid and cohen and at that point we will likely decide what we are going to do. either way by next friday he will be here.

if my cervix is favourable, meaning i am close to going into labour on my own, then i will be induced likely sometime near the middle of next week. if it isn't then i will schedule a repeat caesarean section.

so send me all the positive "go into labour naturally" vibes that you can. it is a full moon on sunday and apparently that can have an affect, who knows. anyday would be fine with me, how about tonight? maia's due date was june 10th, 2004 so maybe we will have him on saturday. so many maybes these days..makes me dizzy!

i think tomorrow i am going to try and go in for an accupuncture appointment. at this point i am willing to pull out all the stops...well everything except castor oil, i am just not ready for that yet.

so there it is, all the news that's fit to print. hopefully i will have some more exciting news soon.


i believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever

today was a bit of a blah day as all mondays seem to be of late. i slept most of the day and although it looked promising early on that something might happen, it never did. not much to say i guess. the clocked just flipped to a new day, we'll see.

in the meantime check this out. it is a little long but it made me laugh.


happy birthday to you!

and maybe for cohen too?


it's okay when there is nothing more to say to me

ok so maybe you are wondering...has she had the baby yet? it would seem as though this is what the majority of people around me are thinking these days. luckily the phone hasn't been too ringy, mostly lots of emails with queries which goes to show that people understand me more than i thought.

to answer the question. no. there is no baby yet. well at least not in the outside the womb sense. there were moments yesterday when it seemed likely but around 1am they fell away and i fell asleep and it has been business as usual every since.

you will know when it has happened, oh yes you will know. i anticipate this blog becoming an obnoxious baby mecca with 40 pictues a day coupled with clever anecdotes about sleeping babies and diaper changes. i will try and convince myself that no more photos are necessary, and that no one is interested in all these lame stories but then i will see just one more photos and say "but this one is the cutest of all" and of course it will need a story to go with it and the cycle will start again. one day you will come here and there will just be perfect pink flesh on perfect pink feet and perfect pink hands littering the page and you will know it has happened. i have become one of them. but for now i am still me which means i sit in bed most of the day being lazy and playing on the computer or reading parenting magazine but mostly just waiting. well waiing and eating unripe papaya cause apparently that can have some sort of affect on when a baby shows up?

i also spend a fair bit of time analyzing the smells that waft down from the kitchen above our bedroom. garlic bread at 8am, indian by 10 and burnt toast for lunch, sometimes in the afternoon (on good days) we get crappy coffee smell, like the gas station without the exhaust fumes. i am dying to know who lives up there...maybe you are reading this and maybe you know? perhaps the mystery will be unveiled. all i know is that if they aren't running a catering company out of that apartment then they must eat a lot of food, or at the very least make a lot of food and leave it sitting by an open window just to feed my imagination.

either way it doesn't ever smell like papaya so it is no good to me now.