i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger

i have a cat. she is rather fat and lazy but cute like a button, whatever that means. but i wouldn't say she is the best behaved, in fact i would say she sways strongly toward the deviant.

you see, marko and i come from different schools of thinking. he is fairly strict when it comes to the cat. the rules are simple, she doesn't get to sit on anything that we would sit on, or lie on and definately not eat on. so mostly she is banished to the floor. on hot days like today she doesn't complain, but she's a cat, she loves plush warm spots to lay down her fur, literally. he is firm with her and consistent, which i see now is the key to success in matters like this. i am an enormous pushover. those that know me will not be surprised by this fact. i let her get away with everything (hence the picture above...and yes that is the kitchen table!). i know she shouldn't be doing it but i look into those green eyes and i melt. i mean she is a cat, she has to sit inside all day and has no friends, the least i can let her do is cuddle with me in bed...right? but this morning whilst wrestling with her over the yogurt on my spoon i found myself wondering if i am doing more harm than help.

for those of you that doubt the intelligence of a cat, you haven't hung out with mine. she sits beside me in bed while i read and can be perfectly content but she always has one ear cocked. she is listening for the ominous footprints and once she hears them come from the back bedroom she is up and off the bed before he gets there. she has learned, he keeps a tight ship and we don't want to let him down. it's good for me, or it was for awhile. marko would never know she was on the bed but lately he has caught on and he comes to feel for the warm spot. "honey! you know she isn't supposed to be up there..." yes it's true, I know. but still i can't say no.

so this of course isn't really about the cat. when we are gone all day she will do as she pleases, and she does. there is no fighting the fickle temperament of the feline. no, for me, it is about my parenting ability. or lack there of. i am hoping that sometime between now and when i have children of an age that require discipline i will have grown a backbone or at the very least mastered the art of consistency. i suppose i am plagued by this in all aspects of my life, never able to say no, overcomitting and becoming frustrated when i feel unappreciated. doing the thing that makes the other person happy and then choking on the cat hair in my cereal later.

but still, and this is where it gets tricky, at the end of the day when i come home and sit with my feet up she is always there to lick my cheek and remind me i am the one she likes the best. and sometimes that feels like everything, and the cycle starts again.


the pleasure, the privilege was mine

it was a lovely affair complete with a wondeful buffet and the female equivalent of adam sandler in the wedding singer...come on everyone let's polka! (i have a picture of her but today is not your day, there simply wasn't room to include it...or was there?) the bride was radiant and so very calm, it was actually slightly eery. i suspect it was all a carefully programmed facade...look you, you're not fooling anyone! and the groom? well in the few conversations i had with him he seemed a little nervous, a bit overwhelmed and extremely happy. and the best news of all? it's over...the rest of your lives here you come.

i got home and realized i didn't sign the guestbook...ahhhh crap. i think that makes me the equivalent of rock moss, especially since we were reminded a thousand times. marko says we can sneak a sign in when we come up to pg in august and no one will be any wiser...i am fessing up. maybe i can make like mom and say "i don't do guestbooks" but we would all know that's a lie.

so how was the speech you ask? not bad, not bad at all. i don't want to make a career out of public fits of emotions but if i were to change my mind i have proven in spades that i am qualified, we'll leave it at that.

so one last thought. the couple asked that we sing a love song or read a poem in order to get a kiss. many sang and we all laughed, one read a poem and the couple they kissed and kissed and kissed. on the ride home i felt somewhat remorseful that i never sang a ditty, i was listening to my ipod and this song came on. i think it is perfect and now i wish i had thought of it.

all right it's my double-shift day and i am sleepy. marko is brewing some philosopher's brew, i guess that means i have to go contemplate the state of the world, wish me luck.



is it cold on your island?

congratulations to the fetching couple!
may this road you are embarking on be all that you imagined and more!

and on a more personal note, if you are reading this, wish me luck with the speech, cause i think that maybe i am a teensy bit nervous...gulp (stop hoping i screw up so that you can here some great story where i make a buffoon of myself, we already have more than enough of that kind of story)


throwing my nose to the wind

go here -> www.toothpastefordinner.com
if you don't think it is hilarious you have no business reading my blog.



i found a liquid cure for these landlock blues

there is a lot of destruction going on around me, seemingly meaningless oblivion. it leaves me asking myself the big questions in life. i remember a time when tragedy was a foreign occurence, i would feel sad but somewhere inside i would tell myself that it would never happen to me. now i just shake my head and say why does it have to happen to everyone. couldn't some of us be spared? we can all get together late at night by the campfire and they can tell us what it's like to know no pain and maybe it will help us remember. i am tired of bad news. turn this ship around and head it back to port. it never seems to make much sense these days. sorry to ramble. i guess it has just been a tough day.


time's a thief you know

there are distinct moments that happen in life, the big ones, the ones that later you realize shaped it all. you know what I mean. we all have them. sometimes you are acutely aware that something is about to happen and you listen closely to hear it in the air, the words pay attention are whispered in your ear. but more often than not we don't know, it just happens and it's outcome proves it's worth.

i have always had difficulty with the notion that in that moment we are called upon to choose and that in that choice a fate is sealed. a course begun.

70 miles from the nevada border i pull off the road for a moment. my throat dry with the heat, the air thick with energy. in my mind i am not even sure how i got here and in truth don't want to go on. i have to decide. most days i would get back in the car, turn it around and head back for the ocean, but today i decide to face it head on, i frantically drive faster and hope it makes sense. i'll never know what could have happened if i turned the car around. it is no longer mine.

so what happens to all the people i could have become but didn't? do they still linger around the corners of my room speaking to me at night? reminding me that although i am this now, tomorrow i may be something altogether different.


let it ride, let it roll, let it go

i keep looking for the words to express the thing that boils somewhere inside of me. i hear it sung to me on the bus and whispered in the quiet moments that seep into everyday. but tonight, here in this room, they have left me. tomorrow i will try harder to hear that which needs to be told and i will fetch it in my net, bring it back here and let you all see. maybe it will be worth the wait. or maybe it will be just like everything else, mediocre at best.



you can't be fond of livin in the past cause if you are then there's no way that you're gonna last

assemblage by ruth kolker

what does the tree think about out there all alone at night?