so, like, i had this dream and in it stuff, like, happened

i woke up remembering the craziest dream. i was living in a three bedroom aparment but couldn't foot the bill and so i decided to rent out the other two rooms. through a selection process i ended up picking matt good and johnny depp. i know i know, you would think....sweet dream. but it was anything but.

that matt guy was ornary at the best of times. sure him and i adopted similiar philosophies in that we never left the house, drank tons of coffee, hated visitors and sat on our respective computers in our respective rooms listening to headphones and doing god knows what all day. but he would get all pissy at me about the stupidest things. once i burned the garlic toast and he came out of his room kicking up a storm about how you have to watch the toast or it burns? oh reall?y thanks jackass cause that wasn't obvious. another time i made some sort of fish soup (which i don't believe i would make...i mean yuck!) but apparently he played the role of my psyche in this one, cause he was not pleased. expletives followed by "take it outside" were yelled. i think we both needed fresh air, without sunlight we were turning into these trolls. well him especially.

but the real fun in the dream came with big johnny. turn out he is quite the drunk. he would come home at all hours of the night barely able to walk and perch himself outside matt or i's room telling us stories about his night, how he wished we could be friends. we were both listening to headphones and so we would only here the odd mutter. and in the morning, everyday at 10 am, as matt and i would go into the kitchen for coffee (the only time we were civil) we would see kate moss come out of johnny's bedroom naked and head for the bathroom. the first time it happened matt looked at me and said, well i guess they are back together.

so one day my brother elton comes over and says what is going on here? he was in the livingroom which had no style, mostly plain furniture and hardwood. so i go in there and say huh? just then i looked up and the walls had been painted this awful yellow colour only it was done really shitty and there were enormous gaps in the paint, not to mention one whole wall didn't get done. i don't know? i said and shrugged. but i did know. it was that lousy drunk. i remembered seeing him with a can of paint the night before, but had naturally assumed it was for sniffing and let it go.

so we are there banging on his door, the sound of kates laughter coming through the crack in the bottom. ummm hey johnny we are going to need you to come out here a sec. hey guys! alright what's up? and the door swings open. about this painting man, what's going on?

turns out he ran out of paint. he had found a can in the alley and liked it he said. sometimes mushrooms fuck you up man. and now the can was gone and the walls looked like someone urinated on them. so i said hey thanks! i love your artistic edge all sarcastic like and muttered wanker as elton and i walked away.

on our way to the paint store we bump into this guy i work with and when i tell him the story he says i love that guy! i can't believe he lives with you!

and i woke up in a cold sweat.