you say you don't want to run and hide

today was swimming thursday (we went last week on thursday as well, so now, with little to back it up, i am declaring thursday swim day). this week we went with marita and atticus. it was his first time in the pool and i must say he did very well. very well indeed. there may have been moments of hesitation (or was it meditation?), but they quickly faded into glee. i hope that our future holds many more swim thursdays (or wednesdays, or fridays...well you get the point).

in other news, yesterday morning cohen and i went out for a walk to the store, and a bit of a strange thing happened. i should preface this story with the fact that i have never been stung by a wasp. honest. never. as a result i have an unusual fear of them. in theory i realize that a sting wouldn't hurt that much (i mean i did give birth after all), but it is the not knowing that freaks me out. maybe i am deathly allergic? remote, but still possible (and yes i know i get one freebie before i swell up to the size of a grape and burst). oh sure, there have been moments where i have considered just putting myself in harms way to get it over with, but those moments almost always end with me changing my mind and then running around in circles waving my arms in the air and breathing short quick breaths.

so what does this have to do with our walk? well, there was this moment along the way when a wasp landed on the arm of the stroller, just inches away from cohen's happily flailing arm and instead of my usual instinct (which is to start the circle running and strange breathing), i was filled with this desire to grab it, to have it firmly in my grasp, to make it impossible for it to hurt him. i had absolutely no fear of the wasp, but only this deep rooted need to protect at all cost. as i reached down (and really i would have shooed it away first, i mean i am not a madman) it flew away on it's own. it left an impression though. in that small moment i understood a little deeper what it means to be a mother, how far i would go on instinct alone just to ensure safety. i am not sure parenting changes you (although i may be wrong yet), as much as brings to the surface these things, things we all carry with us yet have never known. everyday is a discovery.

also, thanks to everyone who chimed in with your humour and support of the cage. it softened the edges of my guilt and made me thankful for friends.


m said...

Thank you for introducing us to that amazing pool! We had a great time. I loved watching Atticus's transformation and how much fun boy our boys had.

The Mama Bear Syndrome is deep and fierce. And I think you're on to something: parenting doesn't change you, but just alters the importance of what is already there.

m said...
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