when you get what you want but not what you need

today was one of those days that knocks you on your ass and refuses to let you get back up. right from the very beginning it was sour and as much as i tried to shake it, i couldn't. of course no one died, or even got hurt and the things that went down were minor, incidental really, but to me it was something and i am glad it is almost over. you know what i am talking about right? the kind of day that you know almost instantly should be spent in bed but instead you try to conquer it, resolved that with a little perseverence it will turn around. it never does and everytime i tell myself that next time i will listen. next time i will stay in bed.

it all started when i woke up from a terrible nightmare sometime around 3:30 and had to stay up long enough to shake the thoughts from my head. tv used to be great for that, infomercials in the wee hours of the morning would always offer enough of a distraction so as to ward off the demons in my brain. we don't have tv anymore though so i came out and sat on the couch and attempted to read. it took a lot of concentration, to put it mildly. of course i fell asleep in the end, luckily the dream didn't come back.

when i woke up for the day though i felt off, i would like to think it was the dream but i am sure hormones are closer to the truth. i struggled to get out of bed but the bed won. cohen and i stayed tucked in until almost 2 (and yes it turns out he is the perfect baby to have if you are feeling depressed). then i forced myself up and out and we went for a walk. the walk was fine. of course i came across some shitty rude people and inevitably i went into a store where the stroller knocked over a small but carefully placed display. these things are par for the course though. i guess it was just that today i was feeling particularily vulnerable and so the little things were stinging. then there was the tar on the roof of the iga which gave me a pulsing headache and the way too expensive steaks that i overcooked on the grill despite watching them like a hawk the entire time and the baked potatoes which ended up grossly undercooked despite being in the oven almost two hours. the after dinner coffees from the shop downstairs which were blah and the woman in the building who not only didn't open the door for me downstairs when i had coffees in my hand but also chose to leave on the elevator without waiting for me.

but then there is also the way cohen looks just when he first gets in the bath, naked and new and smiling from ear to ear. there is my husband who sits beside me on the couch and hugs me even when i cry for no good reason at all and tells me he loves me, that dinner was perfect and that i don't have to do it all. there is the cat who sits with me in the kitchen, purring while i make dinner and my family whom i love and hold close. there is tons to be thankful for, i know that. just some days it feels like my world is falling apart. even when in truth i know it couldn't be stronger.

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