all the things i am thankful for

a year ago today i started a journal on my pregnancy with cohen. i only maintained it for a couple of months, i guess that is a good sign.

this was my first entry

"well here we are at the start. gound zero of the journey. i don't know how much of it has sunk in yet, there is all the happiness and hope but none of the hesitation. this can only mean that the reality of it is wandering around the outer edges of my being. i am grateful for this for now. there will be so much time for the other later.

i was inspired to start this today as i was standing in line at the grocery store. i thought to myself, this is the last thanksgiving marko and i will spend as a twosome. and in this i remembered all the lasts i had last time. the last christmas and easter. and how after maia died i realized almost immediately that all of those lasts became firsts. the first christmas without her. i told myself then that when the time came to try again i wouldn't say "this is the last.." and it only took two 3 days to say it. as though i am compelled to quantify my life into segments. i should know better but today i am thinking that the next time the leaves change i will be holding you, whoever you will be. next year i am going to sit with you on thanksgiving and show you pictures of turkeys, we'll eat pumpkin pie together and remember all the things we have to be thankful for.

no matter what i think it is better to hope than to doubt."

so that was the start and today is the first and for that i am thankful.