being caught in between all you wish for and all you see

two days ago i resolved, in my head, to be more optimisitic or at the very least somewhat more positive. yesterday i confirmed this resolve by saying it out loud to someone other than the cat or cohen. baby steps i said. small little one foot in front of the others. by christmas i should be a vision of cheer i said (although i was reminded that christmas kills it for even the most exuberant of optimists).

so i wake up and it is raining but i decide that an optimist would still go to the farmers market. to hell with the rain! i have an umbrella so i win. so off we went. the market was great, although slightly wet and busy. it has this sense of community that comes with it and i like that. oh sure there were some aggresive people, mostly cutting the line despite the fact that i had a baby strapped to me, nothing my new found optimism couldn't see past though.

but then i took the bus home(i probably could stop right there and we would all be satisfied and know exactly what i mean but i won't). we get to clark and bags-o-cans man gets on and sits beside me in the last courtesy seat on the coach. then he does just what i hope he won't and hauls his bags onto his lap, well mostly his lap but of course mostly mine as well. bells start ringing in my head, i can do this damn it! so i remind myself that he is recycling...good for him! the environment could use more people like that (who the hell am i kidding people, my thoughts were nothing like that). but still i am ok. there is no steam in my ears, and i still haven't thought "why did i leave the house?".

but the next stop comes and a couple of old ladies get on. i am not talking borderline should i offer the seat old but hardly have enough of a grip to hold the pole old and he just sits there, cans on lap, eyes staring at the floor. so i nudge him, "hey man, don't you want to offer your seat to those ladies?" (since he is now taking up two) and he stares at me intently and says "i can't".

"why?" i say with definite disdain.

and then he says, with a completely serious tone, "because of my cans".

and then i knew without a doubt - i.just.can't.do it - unless i stop leaving the house completely, which i must say at this point is a definite possibility.

we will start again tomorrow.