balloons look good from on the ground

well unfortunately things haven't been getting that much better on the sleep front. i have been trying all sorts of variations on the theme. we had it so good before. he would go to sleep around 10:30 and wake around 6 for about an hour and go back to sleep until 11. but recently he started waking earlier and earlier and not going back to sleep and as a result he of course he started getting grouchy in the afternoons. so i thought earlier to bed and we will be fine. and he is, fine. but i'm not. i have been trying to go to bed before 10 but i can't. i lie there staring at the ceiling lost in thought, hours away from slumber. by the time i do fall asleep he wakes up for the first time and we start the cycle over again. it has been a disaster around here because of it.

i say disaster because i am learning quickly that i don't do well with little to no sleep. it started out somewhat subtle but has quickly developed into more of a problem. you see my ability to cope with everyday things seems to diminish with each hour less eight i get in an night so we have now reached a point where i can't. cope that is. this covers all facets of life these days but most notable would be my marriage and my paranoia. my marriage we will save for another braver day, today is about my fear. a deep rooted totally irrational fear that something is going to happen to cohen. that i am going to go in to check on him and find him without breath. that he has a serious disease that will only surface later when we don't expect it and take him from us. the possibilities are endless.

i have had these fears on and off since he was born but mostly they have been in check. every new parent has them. it is true that having lost a child, mine might be stronger, but i try and stay aware and grounded in the rational. however, without sleep this becomes increasingly difficult. i am prone to fits of tears, horrific fantasies that work themselves out in nightmares and a fragility that is present all the time. i have heard people say that having lost a baby they go on to be better parents because of the appreciation they have gained. this afternoon as i looked at cohen and thought about the fear, about the unknown, i realized that every moment i spend with him i am aware and present and grateful. i feel the gratitude in every smile he gives. there is an overwhelming truth in my words everytime i tell him i love him. but i know it is because i am afraid that it will be the last. that i need to soak up every second before there are no seconds left. i think in this i am able to be a better, more patient parent for him. but still, i don't think it is healthy. i want to be present without the fear, like i used to be, before the sleepless nights arrived at my door. i hope tonight i get eight hours, for everyones sake.