baby steps i said. small little one foot in front of the others. by christmas i should be a vision of cheer i said (although i was reminded that christmas kills it for even the most exuberant of optimists).so i wake up and it is raining but i decide that an optimist would still go to the farmers market. to hell with the rain! i have an umbrella so i win. so off we went. the market was great, although slightly wet and busy. it has this sense of community that comes with it and i like that. oh sure there were some aggresive people, mostly cutting the line despite the fact that i had a baby strapped to me, nothing my new found optimism couldn't see past though.
but then i took the bus home(i probably could stop right there and we would all be satisfied and know exactly what i mean but i won't).
we get to clark and bags-o-cans man gets on and sits beside me in the last courtesy seat on the coach. then he does just what i hope he won't and hauls his bags onto his lap, well mostly his lap but of course mostly mine as well. bells start ringing in my head, i can do this damn it! so i remind myself that he is recycling...good for him! the environment could use more people like that (who the hell am i kidding people, my thoughts were nothing like that). but still i am ok. there is no steam in my ears, and i still haven't thought "why did i leave the house?".but the next stop comes and a couple of old ladies get on. i am not talking borderline should i offer the seat old but hardly have enough of a grip to hold the pole old and he just sits there, cans on lap, eyes staring at the floor.
so i nudge him, "hey man, don't you want to offer your seat to those ladies?" (since he is now taking up two) and he stares at me intently and says "i can't". "why?" i say with definite disdain.
and then he says, with a completely serious tone, "because of my cans".
and then i knew without a doubt - i.just.can't.do it - unless i stop leaving the house completely, which i must say at this point is a definite possibility.
we will start again tomorrow.
so we are back home now. cohen did really well on the plane, much to my relief. it made me realize just how stressful it would be to travel on a long plane ride with a child though. perhaps if both parents are there it would be slightly less panic filled. as i have mentioned before, babies are like dogs in that they sense things and i knew that if i was stressed out then he would pick it up and be stressed as well. so i tried my best to be calm. which, when you are afraid of flying, is a little like trying my best to not breath, it works for a short time but eventually you need to gasp for air. it went off without a hitch though, despite my inability to remain calm. he continues to amaze me by rising to the occasion whenever i need him too. i am so lucky.
especially now that is is autumn and all of the leaves are changing colours in the north. whenever i am away from the city i try and remember why i am there to begin with. i guess the same reasons we all are, work, culture, necessity. i know deep down though i am not a city girl. there is such a calm in me when i am away. maybe one day we will have enough money to buy a little cabin in the woods somewhere, a little skylight in the roof where i can lie and stare at the heavy branches dropping their needles on me. a personal battery recharger i suppose. until then i will have to live with my small getaways. 
1. the quilted letters that make up cohen's name that for now we keep on the side of the crib (one day soon he will make a grab for it i know!). they came from assembly of text and were a gift from 
2. this tea cup and mismatched saucer because i bought them just yesterday at the salvation army in the "as is" section and they are real bone china without a ding on them and she only charged me $2 for the set. i love that they don't match and that they have gold trim and that they belonged to some old lady somewhere and now they belong to me. i have started drinking tea in the last two days just so that i can use them. i intend to go back and search for others, i would like to have a mismatched tea set, although i will call it eclectic!
3. the goods i bought at the local farmers market today. the raspberries are amazing but the real winner was the homous, i ate half the container within ten minutes of being home. i think it is great that they have a place where we can go and buy local and actually talk to the person who grew/made it! 
4. this picture continues to make me smile every morning. as most of you know it is one of 
5. our machine that both washes and dries...it's heaven. to think that we actually considered living in an apartment that didn't have laundry with a baby? i shudder to even think what that would be like now. this one machine has completely changed our lives...almost as much as...
7. the picture is of our saltwater reef tank, well part of it at least, but i am going to give a shout out to both the tanks here (we also have a freshwater tank). i love the way the fish swim and beg for food and bicker with each other but most of all i love the way the water sounds as it goes in and out of the filter. i can close my eyes and for just a moment believe that i am sitting beside a river listening as it trickles on by.
9. galena the magical cat. the cat that has stuck by me for years, has moved across country and into nearly a dozen new homes with me and with whom a little piece of my heart lies. there are 
10. and of course mr. cohen. these days he is my sun and my moon, the light that shines on everything else and makes it all new again. my little pooper.
well unfortunately things haven't been getting that much better on the sleep front. i have been trying all sorts of variations on the theme. we had it so good before. he would go to sleep around 10:30 and wake around 6 for about an hour and go back to sleep until 11. but recently he started waking earlier and earlier and not going back to sleep and as a result he of course he started getting grouchy in the afternoons. so i thought earlier to bed and we will be fine. and he is, fine. but i'm not. i have been trying to go to bed before 10 but i can't. i lie there staring at the ceiling lost in thought, hours away from slumber. by the time i do fall asleep he wakes up for the first time and we start the cycle over again. it has been a disaster around here because of it.
i say disaster because i am learning quickly that i don't do well with little to no sleep. it started out somewhat subtle but has quickly developed into more of a problem. you see my ability to cope with everyday things seems to diminish with each hour less eight i get in an night so we have now reached a point where i can't. cope that is. this covers all facets of life these days but most notable would be my marriage and my paranoia. my marriage we will save for another braver day, today is about my fear. a deep rooted totally irrational fear that something is going to happen to cohen. that i am going to go in to check on him and find him without breath. that he has a serious disease that will only surface later when we don't expect it and take him from us. the possibilities are endless. 
i have had these fears on and off since he was born but mostly they have been in check. every new parent has them. it is true that having lost a child, mine might be stronger, but i try and stay aware and grounded in the rational. however, without sleep this becomes increasingly difficult. i am prone to fits of tears, horrific fantasies that work themselves out in nightmares and a fragility that is present all the time. i have heard people say that having lost a baby they go on to be better parents because of the appreciation they have gained. this afternoon as i looked at cohen and thought about the fear, about the unknown, i realized that every moment i spend with him i am aware and present and grateful. i feel the gratitude in every smile he gives. there is an overwhelming truth in my words everytime i tell him i love him. but i know it is because i am afraid that it will be the last. that i need to soak up every second before there are no seconds left. i think in this i am able to be a better, more patient parent for him. but still, i don't think it is healthy. i want to be present without the fear, like i used to be, before the sleepless nights arrived at my door. i hope tonight i get eight hours, for everyones sake.
