5.08.2007

sleeping beauty trips me with a frown



i am in a rut.

maybe it is a funk, i am undecided about the difference.

it is a case of bananas and thinking. that is, the more i tell myself to not think about bananas, the more time i spend thinking about them. only in this case it isn't really bananas that are in question, it is going back to work. so to tell you that i haven't been thinking about it is a lie, a dirty shameful lie, because it is almost all i have been thinking about. everyday we go out, to the park, to the pool, to the library, just for a walk, and all i can think about is that soon it will be over. it is crazy talk i know, nothing is really ending. there may be less time, but the time itself will stay the same, it may even be sweeter. still, it is the less that has me blue.

when i was in my first year of university i went through a much too long stage where i was sleeping 16-17 hours a night. at first i didn't give it much thought, which looking back now i think it is a little strange, but after a couple of months and several dozen missed lectures, i started to suspect that something was amiss. the dr. confirmed that in fact this was not normal and suggested that it was my bodies way of coping with the stress of change. he kindly told me that he could have me withdrawn from a class or two without punishment if i thought it would help, but i wasn't ready for such drastic measures and thanked him anyway. instead, i forced myself up at a normal time everyday, and despite my brains best efforts, i exercised a little everyday to keep me awake. slowly things started to get better and although i didn't do great academically that first semester i didn't fail anything either. so that is that, some people eat ice cream, and others stay up all night unable to sleep, but me? well i go to bed at 6pm and sleep right on through until noon, usually waking up with a sleep hangover and a thick fog around me. it is in my dreams that i find refuge, something about checking out i think.

all this to say that lately i have been sleeping. a lot. as much as cohen almost, which is much more than a grown woman should be. morning naps, afternoon naps and early evenings, and yes, when we wake i do make us leave the house and "do something", but the sleep always seems follows me. my spirit is having trouble getting roused it seems, which once again brings us back to bananas.

i have much to update about cohen, happy, fun, exciting things. i will take pictures tomorrow and i promise no more bananas.

4 comments:

libragal said...

as poopy as they can make you feel at times, ultimately bananas (and change) are good for you.
i wish i could be there to make you a banana split.
xo

Tara said...

=( I can only imagine what you are going through... Im not dealing with change as well as I expected here. I had great expectations and well, some of which turned out to be a nightmare. My brother and SIL informed us that they are indeed seperating. Lots of changes headed our way, hopefully there will be balance.

Im sure you will find your balance.

laish said...

ah, there you are, sleeping beauty!

you are heading for some drastic rapid change in the next few weeks & it seems natural & good that your body is resting up for it.

you've had an amazing first year with cohen & maybe part of you needs to mourn the fact that this time is passing, changing into something else. I know I'm thrown for an absolute loop everytime I face major transition (as evidenced recently by moving & pregnancy.) here's some advice I never heed myself - be kind to yourself & honour that need to rest up, indulge in bouts of nostalgia for an era about to pass, find some kind of peace with the changes to come...

...how's that for advice from your part-time freak-show of a s.i.l?

xo

t said...

thanks cat, nice use of the poopy by the way! at least once everyday i think about you and wish you were here, plus i bet you know how to make a banana split that has gin in it, don't you?

tara, i am sorry things aren't going as smoothly as you thought they would. i agree about the balance, hopefully we both find it sooner rather than later.

and laish, you think you are a freak show? i would hate to think what that makes me! thanks for the advice, it is hard figuring it out, when to allow myself the space to grieve the change and when to smarten up and enjoy the last two weeks without sadness. i can't believe how fast both of our days are approaching, i am thinking about you all the time!