still, i'd rather be working for a paycheque than waiting to win the lottery

i know that it has been a long time. i create posts in my head every morning on the bus though, if that counts for something. most of the time it is a rant about weather, or people on the bus, sometimes it is about something more important. it doesn't matter in the end though because none of it made it as far as the end of the day, to home, to here. mostly i haven't had anything to say because lately life has seemed heavier than i am accustomed and to throw it all out there feels like a burden.

i couldn't say for sure why things seem kinda blue these days. on paper i can see that i have a million things to be thankful for, and i am. still, there are those things that creep in and cloud the vision. i am not going to say it's the hormones (although that may very well be true) because to do so is to place pregnancy into some kind of category that makes women disabled and "crazy", neither of which i think i am. it's just that sometimes emotional fortitude isn't as easy to come by, particularly when you have a toddler who is getting another molar and as a result refuses to sleep through the night or go more than a twenty minute stretch without throwing himself on the floor in defiance.

this is why come thursday when i pick cohen up from the nanny and he screams because he doesn't want to leave, i also scream, only inside, deep somewhere in the centre of my heart and it hurts. why having him go to my mom's for two nights a week, although theoretically a great situation, seems like the hardest thing to do some weeks. why despite knowing that i am his mom and we are connected i have moments where i feel so disconnected. it used to be him and i, we were a team. i long for that time back again, i can't wait until march when it can go back to the way that it was, kisses before naps and long afternoon walks. these days it is rushing home and hurried dinner, then bed. no time for us. it's tough.

there is also the worry that comes with pregnancy. it's true that it isn't as bad this time as last. there is more faith in me this go round. still, like everyone else i worry. i try not to and then i worry that i am worrying too much. i did the triple screen test last friday, they said if the results were troubling that i would hear back within 3 days. it is wednesday today and there hasn't been a call, good news for sure, but maybe the doctor wasn't in today, maybe the tests are sitting on her desk waiting to reach me. you see where this is going. one day at a time.

then of course there is the other big one that comes around every now and again. a few weekends ago my nieces kyla and reidun were over for a family dinner and for the first time cohen was engaged with them. they played ball together and put the pieces in the tupperware shape sorter. it was great to watch them play together like cousins, but it was there with me, maia would only be 3 months older than kyla if she had been born healthy. cohen would have a big sister of his very own. he wouldn't need me to take him to the park or invite his cousins over to have big kids to mimic and admire, he would have that all the time, but he doesn't. i know that he is going to make a strong and nurturing big brother, but i think he would have made a great little brother too.

so i guess that is why i have remained silent these last few weeks, i am waiting for the storm to pass. maybe this weekend things will turn, it is supposed to be sunny and we are getting dressed up and going to a halloween celebration at granville island, and really what better to cheer a person up than babies dressed up as farm animals and candy?

sleeping beauty trips me with a frown

i am in a rut.

maybe it is a funk, i am undecided about the difference.

it is a case of bananas and thinking. that is, the more i tell myself to not think about bananas, the more time i spend thinking about them. only in this case it isn't really bananas that are in question, it is going back to work. so to tell you that i haven't been thinking about it is a lie, a dirty shameful lie, because it is almost all i have been thinking about. everyday we go out, to the park, to the pool, to the library, just for a walk, and all i can think about is that soon it will be over. it is crazy talk i know, nothing is really ending. there may be less time, but the time itself will stay the same, it may even be sweeter. still, it is the less that has me blue.

when i was in my first year of university i went through a much too long stage where i was sleeping 16-17 hours a night. at first i didn't give it much thought, which looking back now i think it is a little strange, but after a couple of months and several dozen missed lectures, i started to suspect that something was amiss. the dr. confirmed that in fact this was not normal and suggested that it was my bodies way of coping with the stress of change. he kindly told me that he could have me withdrawn from a class or two without punishment if i thought it would help, but i wasn't ready for such drastic measures and thanked him anyway. instead, i forced myself up at a normal time everyday, and despite my brains best efforts, i exercised a little everyday to keep me awake. slowly things started to get better and although i didn't do great academically that first semester i didn't fail anything either. so that is that, some people eat ice cream, and others stay up all night unable to sleep, but me? well i go to bed at 6pm and sleep right on through until noon, usually waking up with a sleep hangover and a thick fog around me. it is in my dreams that i find refuge, something about checking out i think.

all this to say that lately i have been sleeping. a lot. as much as cohen almost, which is much more than a grown woman should be. morning naps, afternoon naps and early evenings, and yes, when we wake i do make us leave the house and "do something", but the sleep always seems follows me. my spirit is having trouble getting roused it seems, which once again brings us back to bananas.

i have much to update about cohen, happy, fun, exciting things. i will take pictures tomorrow and i promise no more bananas.