10.24.2007

still, i'd rather be working for a paycheque than waiting to win the lottery



i know that it has been a long time. i create posts in my head every morning on the bus though, if that counts for something. most of the time it is a rant about weather, or people on the bus, sometimes it is about something more important. it doesn't matter in the end though because none of it made it as far as the end of the day, to home, to here. mostly i haven't had anything to say because lately life has seemed heavier than i am accustomed and to throw it all out there feels like a burden.

i couldn't say for sure why things seem kinda blue these days. on paper i can see that i have a million things to be thankful for, and i am. still, there are those things that creep in and cloud the vision. i am not going to say it's the hormones (although that may very well be true) because to do so is to place pregnancy into some kind of category that makes women disabled and "crazy", neither of which i think i am. it's just that sometimes emotional fortitude isn't as easy to come by, particularly when you have a toddler who is getting another molar and as a result refuses to sleep through the night or go more than a twenty minute stretch without throwing himself on the floor in defiance.

this is why come thursday when i pick cohen up from the nanny and he screams because he doesn't want to leave, i also scream, only inside, deep somewhere in the centre of my heart and it hurts. why having him go to my mom's for two nights a week, although theoretically a great situation, seems like the hardest thing to do some weeks. why despite knowing that i am his mom and we are connected i have moments where i feel so disconnected. it used to be him and i, we were a team. i long for that time back again, i can't wait until march when it can go back to the way that it was, kisses before naps and long afternoon walks. these days it is rushing home and hurried dinner, then bed. no time for us. it's tough.

there is also the worry that comes with pregnancy. it's true that it isn't as bad this time as last. there is more faith in me this go round. still, like everyone else i worry. i try not to and then i worry that i am worrying too much. i did the triple screen test last friday, they said if the results were troubling that i would hear back within 3 days. it is wednesday today and there hasn't been a call, good news for sure, but maybe the doctor wasn't in today, maybe the tests are sitting on her desk waiting to reach me. you see where this is going. one day at a time.

then of course there is the other big one that comes around every now and again. a few weekends ago my nieces kyla and reidun were over for a family dinner and for the first time cohen was engaged with them. they played ball together and put the pieces in the tupperware shape sorter. it was great to watch them play together like cousins, but it was there with me, maia would only be 3 months older than kyla if she had been born healthy. cohen would have a big sister of his very own. he wouldn't need me to take him to the park or invite his cousins over to have big kids to mimic and admire, he would have that all the time, but he doesn't. i know that he is going to make a strong and nurturing big brother, but i think he would have made a great little brother too.

so i guess that is why i have remained silent these last few weeks, i am waiting for the storm to pass. maybe this weekend things will turn, it is supposed to be sunny and we are getting dressed up and going to a halloween celebration at granville island, and really what better to cheer a person up than babies dressed up as farm animals and candy?

5 comments:

Heather & Family said...

Beautifully written Tara. I can understand and empathize with what you are feeling. My husband's brother has 4 children, the third child, Curtis, died at 1 year old. I cannot see the three kids without seeing the "missing" son. I'm not sure that ever goes away you just learn to cope with it better and have a better appreciation for the wonderful people in your lives.

Thinking of you!
Heather

Kleja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
laish said...

Before I go any further - look at those eyebrows! I don't remember noticing them while we were there. Just in case we forgot how much he looks like his daddy, hey?
I've been thinking that if we could somehow combine our two lives, that would be perfect - we could live in Vancouver AND afford a house! We could stay at home with our kids AND live close to family, etc...
Sorry to know you're feeling blue. I am sure kids in costumes & candy will help. Hope the sky was blue there today.
xol

m said...

I hope your weekend is full of sunny skies and cute kids. I can't imagine the loss you've experienced and the sadness you must carry with you, but I think it's completely normal for it to rise at certains times. How could it not? I hope your pain eases soon. Or, you get to eat a lot of candy. That always helps me!

Jennica said...

Yes, candy, candy...

Thinking of you...