give me something good to eat

i just want to start by saying thanks to everyone who read my last post and offered words of encouragement virtually and in person, although it is still sometimes strange to realize just how many people in my day to day life read this, it is at the same time wonderful to realize that i belong to such a community of people rooting for me, it's nice.

for those of you that don't know, i did get a call from the doctor the day after i wrote my last post and the tests results were troubling. we made an appointment to go in the next day and then spent the night worrying and biting our nails to the quick. worst case scenarios were pondered and the question "what if" got thrown around. in the end we decided not to answer the question until we knew what we were facing. what we are facing, it turns out, isn't nearly as bad as we had anticipated. the triple screen returns results based on probability and it stacks that probability against what is "normal" in your age category. there is a line that gets drawn as abnormal when the ratio deviates too far from the norm. for us it was down's syndrome that brought back the positive. for my age normal is 1 in 666, our number came back 1 in 333. this was enough for the bells to ring and the lights to flash, but for us it was a huge relief. next to 666 it may seem like a lot but 1 in 333 is still pretty decent odds considering. so our next step is a diagnostic ultrasound on monday to look for down's markers and then right after we will meet with a genetic counsellor to talk about the findings and what to do next. i am still in the wait and see mode. i still don't know the answer to the "what if" question, but my friend paul said to me today "perfection comes in many different packages", which i think sums it up well. everyone keep your fingers crossed for us.



in other more fun and less gloomy news, cohen, nicole and i went to the pumpkin patch in richmond on the weekend. it was a really good time. there was a band called "the country bumpkins" that played kids tunes while a huge stuffed strawberry, pumpkin and corn on the cob danced around in the hay. cohen, never one to miss the opportunity for some dancing swayed his hips and stamped his legs to the beat. we also went on a hayride complete with an accordion player, as well as travelled through a corn maze to get to the pumpkin patch where cohen helped pick out all of our pumpkins, he even helped put each of them in our bags for us. he loves to put things in containers and then take the out again these days. it was like the pne of autumn, there were even mini donuts and farm animals (which cohen didn't seem scared of this time). i would definitely go back, despite the ankle deep mud and that smell.



sunday was supposed to be costume day at granville island, but it was pouring rain and i just didn't have it in me to make the trek, but don't worry, i did manage to eat lots of candy. i am off tomorrow and the sun is supposed to shine so hopefully we will get out and he will be able to do some hopping in his frog costume. now if only we could get him to say ribbett...

still, i'd rather be working for a paycheque than waiting to win the lottery

i know that it has been a long time. i create posts in my head every morning on the bus though, if that counts for something. most of the time it is a rant about weather, or people on the bus, sometimes it is about something more important. it doesn't matter in the end though because none of it made it as far as the end of the day, to home, to here. mostly i haven't had anything to say because lately life has seemed heavier than i am accustomed and to throw it all out there feels like a burden.

i couldn't say for sure why things seem kinda blue these days. on paper i can see that i have a million things to be thankful for, and i am. still, there are those things that creep in and cloud the vision. i am not going to say it's the hormones (although that may very well be true) because to do so is to place pregnancy into some kind of category that makes women disabled and "crazy", neither of which i think i am. it's just that sometimes emotional fortitude isn't as easy to come by, particularly when you have a toddler who is getting another molar and as a result refuses to sleep through the night or go more than a twenty minute stretch without throwing himself on the floor in defiance.

this is why come thursday when i pick cohen up from the nanny and he screams because he doesn't want to leave, i also scream, only inside, deep somewhere in the centre of my heart and it hurts. why having him go to my mom's for two nights a week, although theoretically a great situation, seems like the hardest thing to do some weeks. why despite knowing that i am his mom and we are connected i have moments where i feel so disconnected. it used to be him and i, we were a team. i long for that time back again, i can't wait until march when it can go back to the way that it was, kisses before naps and long afternoon walks. these days it is rushing home and hurried dinner, then bed. no time for us. it's tough.

there is also the worry that comes with pregnancy. it's true that it isn't as bad this time as last. there is more faith in me this go round. still, like everyone else i worry. i try not to and then i worry that i am worrying too much. i did the triple screen test last friday, they said if the results were troubling that i would hear back within 3 days. it is wednesday today and there hasn't been a call, good news for sure, but maybe the doctor wasn't in today, maybe the tests are sitting on her desk waiting to reach me. you see where this is going. one day at a time.

then of course there is the other big one that comes around every now and again. a few weekends ago my nieces kyla and reidun were over for a family dinner and for the first time cohen was engaged with them. they played ball together and put the pieces in the tupperware shape sorter. it was great to watch them play together like cousins, but it was there with me, maia would only be 3 months older than kyla if she had been born healthy. cohen would have a big sister of his very own. he wouldn't need me to take him to the park or invite his cousins over to have big kids to mimic and admire, he would have that all the time, but he doesn't. i know that he is going to make a strong and nurturing big brother, but i think he would have made a great little brother too.

so i guess that is why i have remained silent these last few weeks, i am waiting for the storm to pass. maybe this weekend things will turn, it is supposed to be sunny and we are getting dressed up and going to a halloween celebration at granville island, and really what better to cheer a person up than babies dressed up as farm animals and candy?

a spoon full of sugar helps

so today was the first day of school. i mention this because as many of you know i work at a university, in fact i work in the enrollment office of a university, which means this time of the yeah is a bit chaotic. the buses are overcrowded, the line ups for lunch are long and loud, everywhere you turn there are students. it was a busy day for me on the phone, call after call, question after question, it should have been enough to keep me distracted, but it wasn't. all day my mind kept thinking about how today was immunization day for cohen. we were late with his one year shots due to some scheduling mixups and so tonight was the night he was going in for his dreaded mmr shot. i say dreaded because once, many months ago, i did an internet search about immunizations, and the stories that the mmr shot brought out in people were terrifying to say the least. i quickly turned off the computer back then and vowed to never think of it again. it was always there though, in the back of my mind. so today there was a lump in my throat, not just because he was going to have to get it, the terrifying shot, but also because i wouldn't be there with him, i would be still be at work finishing my 10.5 hour day.

i pestered marko online all day confirming that he had all the details, which shots we were getting, which we were declining (chicken pox), what to do if there was a reaction, how he could contact me. i was a paranoid mess. eventually i took some deep breaths, talked myself off the ledge, and made the end of day trek home.

when i got here i found the two of them laughing away at something on the floor without a care in the world. marko could tell i was still worried and shook his head, what was i so worried about anyway? turns out he only cried for a moment and he was completely fine the minute it was done. there was no reaction, no sense of abandonment that his mom wasn't there, no fever or fatigue. he didn't even flinch when i touched his prick point, but instead swatted my hand away and carried on his merry way as if to say, geez mom, you need to relax. i think he's right, now that it's over maybe i will.