i keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go

taken at elton and jody's wedding last month
stephanie, jody (stephanie's twin sister), my brother elton, jeff

sometimes it is difficult to find the words, the letters seeming insignificant and small. sometimes the air is so thick with emotion that breathing is a chore. life isn't fair. that has never been a secret, i know. when i was four it meant that i had to share my favourite toy with the girl next door, when i was ten it meant believing that i had no friends, when i was eighteen it meant losing a boy or failing at something, a class, a job, or the ability to fit in. now adays it means something bigger, darker. it makes me long for those days of unfairness, to have them for only a moment to take away this place here where truely unfair lives.

by my age we have all had an experience. for me they read like a roster; a classmate drove off a cliff the year after graduation, my grandma at 69 from cancer, my aunt's husband, drown just off shore as she watched on their honeymoon, a coworker of an aneurism at 48, my daughter only hours after she was born. for each one the reality of death becomes clearer. the fragility of it all more obvious. two years ago i had three friends lose their parents in one year. two moms and a dad. i felt like i was being sent a message, it could be your mom next. i pleaded with whoever it is that listens that no more messages be sent. let's just set life on cruise control and make it through this decade ok, all of us. i couldn't handle anymore death.

it was not to be.

earlier today the world lost another great man and my heart feels heavier tonight because of it. jeff was killed while at work today, a scaffolding fell and now he is gone. he leaves behind his son nate who will be two at the end of october and his wife stephanie. it took only a moment for everything to change. i would give anything to take that moment back, but that is the tricky thing about moments, they only happen the once. and sometimes that one moment goes on to last a lifetime.

you will be missed jeff. as much as you were loved. may you rest in peace.