time changes everything

flowers for maia
it was four years ago today that we lost maia. the space between then and now seems so vast, it doesn't seem possible that it all fit into four years, and yet it has.

every year at this time i come on here and try to find the right words to express how i feel. every year i feel something different. this year finds me heavy with thoughts of others that are suffering a loss right now, those that are just beginning the journey. four years and two healthy children later i have a different perspective, i wish i could share that with them. i wish i could press a fast forward button and show them that time really does heal, joy really is possible. it probably wouldn't make a difference though, i know back then i wasn't ready to hear that, i wouldn't have believed it. there are no words that someone else can say to make you understand the journey, it is something you simply need to endure so that one day you can come out the other side healed, changed, but better somehow. more aware.

i am also thinking about ada, about how she fills a place in our family that seemed empty. i was always aware that if she turned out to be a boy i would go on feeling as though a part of my life was lost forever when we lost maia. i would have been just as pleased with a boy, but it wouldn't have been the same. i don't know what life will hold for me, mothering a daughter, but i feel so grateful that i get to find out instead of always wondering. ada came into our lives and brought with her the last bit of light that we needed to feel the warmth on our faces again. i am so thankful for all that we have been given so far in this life, it is a good one and i wouldn't change it for the world.

sleepy boy
sleepy girl


Sara said...

Again your perfect words bring me to tears. I'd been thinking about Maia a lot the last few posts. Wondering how Ada had helped to heal those wounds. She'll never be forgotten, but I'm glad Ada will be able to answer some of those questions for you. And, I'm 100% positive, somewhere, in that wonderful place where babies go to grow up, when life is unfair, she's watching over you and Marco and her baby brother and sister. And while my loss is not the same caliber as yours, as I look back on the days and weeks, or honestly the 6 month area after losing my aunt on the plane crash, I realize now, that 20 months later, the words don't stall on my tongue when I have to admit she's dead. Time does have a way of seperating us from anguish.

auntie Paula said...

As your friend Sara said..your perfect words of Maia made my heart sad all over again for you and Marko. I am so happy that you all have been blessed with Ada and that she will fill that place in your family that was so empty for you both for so long.
Hugs and love..

Trish said...

thank you for such a beautiful post!