and now for something completely different

i think i am going to shake things up over here, try something new. when i think of coming here and writing something, i sigh internally, and put it off. i don't have the words in me these days. so, for awhile anyway, i think this is going to become a photo blog, with the odd caption thrown in. i am going to try and post everyday with a photo, or few, that represent the day to me (not unlike klay's brilliant idea over at 100 days, thanks for that).

day one is easy, it was her eleven month day yesterday, and today she walked barefoot outside for the first time, so much to celebrate.

on the road again

i went 33 years without a car, hard to believe i know, but it's true. i never wanted one either. i never said "if only", or "i wish" with it in mind. it just wasn't part of my consciousness. it doesn't help that i am afraid of them, or i thought i was, or that i didn't even learn how to use one until i was well into my twenties, and even then it was only because everyone told me that the longer i wait, the harder it will be.

all that ended a couple of weeks ago though when marko and i finally bought one. it wasn't something we had been thinking of really, or even something we thought we needed, although we will concede that it occurred to us that at some point in the not too distant future it might be handy, what with our imagined hockey and soccer practices, art classes and music lessons. mostly it just came about through circumstances, a conversation about cars with a co-worker that led to some investigating followed by driving many cars and then finally settling on the one, my first car, a 1995 volvo 850 turbo. i know, i know, how very family of me, but come on, aren't volvos the new macs?

things that my two weeks of driving have taught me so far:

1. life outside of my neighbourhood, although it is great, is better
2. we can be deep in the forest running down trails, or standing skipping rocks on the ocean in less than thirty minutes
3. no matter how loud i play the music it will never drown out the cries of a disgruntled baby that has had enough of the car seat
4. dance music sounds better when in motion (and preferably without anyone crying)
5. the superstore is like a drug, highly addictive and euphoria inducing. i hate shopping, but i love to just wander the aisles and bask in the sheer volume of it all, especially late at night when the kids are sleeping and no one is around. i have been going a couple of nights a week.
6. gas is expensive, no make that really REALLY expensive
7. anything you want is available to you 24 hours a day if you are willing to drive far enough to get it. this is bad, especially when it involves donuts.
8. having a car somehow makes one feel more free, more capable or something bigger, although i have no idea what that is
9. there was nothing to be afraid of after all
10. i shouldn't have waited so long

for those of you that are sheepishly wondering if i am now going to take back my recycling to the depot, the jury is still out, although i did hear a rumour that they were going to judge in favour of lazy. we'll see.

letting the pieces fit

one down, one to go. we found a new home. it feels weird to think that soon we will be living in a new neighbourhood, a neighbourhood that neither of us really know at all, in a new house. it is a cute little house where we will live on the main floor, a student lives in a suite downstairs. there is a backyard and sun deck and it is all ours. cohen is going to have his own room where i can put his art on the walls, and at last i can go back to reading in bed at night without having to worry about waking him up. there will be many summer bbq's, complete with sprinkler jumping and wading pool sitting. the suite itself is about 1000 sqft with a fairly large living room, separate dining room and two bedrooms, with plenty of storage in the basement (which is perfect for the 9 rubbermaids of kids clothes i have).

cohen is at grandma's this weekend, so i really should be packing like crazy, but motivation has been a bit of an issue. still, i have managed to get the bedroom 3/4 done and the night is still young, so with a little perseverance i should be able to get it finished. i know that we still have two weeks before we move, but thinking about trying to pack everything while watching cohen gives me a headache, it would be nice to have it mostly done ahead of time so that i don't have to think about it.

we are going to sign a lease tomorrow, i will bring my camera and maybe come back with some pictures to share, till then enjoy another one of ada, cause one just isn't enough.

packing up and heading out

there is big change on the horizon for marko and i. for those of you that don't know, marko was laid off from his job the week that i stopped working at mine. it didn't come as a surprise, as we knew that business wasn't doing so great. he and a few others were given severance packages, with budget cuts being cited as the reason. it has worked out well having him at home, and so far finances are the same as always, so we have been weathering it pretty well. then last friday we were given notice on our apartment. turns out the owner has not only decided that he wants to sell, but has found a buyer as well. july 1st is the big day we have to be out by. these two things coupled with the fact that we have a newborn at home and you would think stress would be at the top of our feelings list, but so far we have both managed to stay pretty calm.

today marko had an interview for a job that he thinks he would really enjoy, and it went well, so well that within the hour they were calling his references. keep your fingers crossed that he gets a call in the next week offering him a position. it would be a relief to have one thing crossed off the list.

the other item i am beginning to think might be a bit more challenging. we have been to see 4 places so far. 2 of them were the grungiest, smelliest, most disgusting places one could imagine, and the rents were 1500 and 1600, plus utilities! one other was beautiful but too small, and there were many people filling out applications. the fourth place was one that we went and saw last night. when we got to the house there was a for sale sign out front, a warning sign that it probably wasn't the best bet for a long term situation. when we asked about it though we were told that they had decided to take the house off the market and that the sign would be coming down, so we went in and had a look. it was everything we were looking for, laminate floors throughout, new kitchen with brand new dishwasher and stove, huge sundeck off the kitchen, laundry and a large backyard for cohen to play in, and it was only 1300 (did i just say only??). we told him right away that we were interested and he seemed keen on having us take it, but said he would call us back today with a decision. so today came and we waited and waited and then waited some more, as the hours went on it became doubtful that it would be ours, yet we seemed so certain he liked us. tonight we phoned him and he said that he has changed his mind and he thinks he might keep it on the market...sigh, that's vancouver for you (and we looked the house up on the real estate pages to find out that they are asking 750 000 for it, the whole house is only 1900 sqft!), so we will keep looking. luckily we still have time on our side and hopefully something just as perfect will come along. it is just tough lugging two kids and the stroller all over town on public transportation often in the height of rush hour traffic to view places. for those of you living here keep your ears open for us, hopefully our place will present itself soon.

i look around this apartment which is much too small for us now and i am filled with both excitement at starting anew, and dread at having to pack it all up. one thing is for sure, wherever we end up i know it will finally have a plot of grass to call our own, it is time for that. i can't wait.

here are a couple of pictures of me with my babies, both taken today while playing around with the photobooth on my mac (hence the rather poor quality!)

some days it's raining some are sunny and blue

i didn't talk about it here much, but from the day i found out i was pregnant with ada i have been filled with an enormous worry about how it would change cohen. at my first appointment i broke down in tears, overcome with the emotion of what laid ahead for me. was i going to be patient enough, was he going to be flexible enough? it was ridiculous. i know part of it stemmed from the stories my mom has told me over the years of how my oldest brother changed from a sweet boy to an angry and aggressive child after my other brother was born. i still see him carrying an anger and i can't help but wondering if it all started then. it wasn't that i didn't want two children, i just didn't want to screw it up.

it was because of all this that i found myself bracing for the worst case scenario when we brought ada home on friday, but it turns out that my worrying was all for naught.

the first day cohen was confused, he would come over and look at her and laugh nervously and then continue playing, or he would climb up on the couch beside me and snuggle in to my free side as if he was staking out his claim. the second day he started taking an interest, he would come over and touch her toes when she was in the bouncy seat or gently touch her hair. his reaction took me by complete surprise. he never once retreated or became sad or quiet. i know it helped that ada is such a quiet and relaxed baby. her disposition has allowed for us to continue to give cohen attention as he needs it, to sit on the floor and play with blocks or read books in the middle of the day, but he has also shown amazing flexibility and for that i am feeling enormously grateful and relieved.



this morning cohen woke up and came out into the living room where ada and i are sleeping, climbed into our bed and leaned in to give her a good morning kiss and then laid down beside her and stared. when i change her diaper now he comes over and pulls the wipes out of the box and hands them to me, sometimes he even starts rubbing her bum with them, and if she cries when we are changing her he sometimes starts rubbing her head to calm her.

of course there is the other, more comical, side of that coin. he has tried to feed her his raisins (don't worry i was right there to stop him!) and often goes over to see if she wants some of his juice. he has also taken to driving his cars on her legs when she is sleeping and the other day he picked up a clump of cat hair that was on the floor (yuck i know) and carried it over to her and put it on her hair, i think he thought it belonged to her!

so that is where we are right now with the transition. i know she is going to start to become more fussy as she grows, and he is going to have to handle her crying and his needs coming in second, but one bridge at a time. i will take these first 6 days as a victory!

an inch an hour two feet a day

this is my 32 week belly. i can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone. with maia and cohen i remember being very aware of the time and it's passing, all the anticipation and excitement, but now with cohen keeping me on my toes all day (when i am not at work) i haven't spent much time at all contemplating this new arrival or worrying about "what if's". as i approach the end i am starting to become more aware of it though. pulling out old clothes and cleaning them, making sure i have enough diapers (and being amazed at just how small they are...was cohen really that small once?) and of course the ever present (but never decided) question about names.

the other thing i am noticing now that the end is in site is my serious decline in mobility. i find myself in awe of those women who still go for long leisurely walks right up until the end of their pregnancy, the ones who can run to the grocery store for milk with ease or clean the bathroom without feeling like they just ran a marathon. i am not one of those women. i was doing fantastic until a couple of weeks ago, but now everything is at a snails pace as i waddle my way through my day. i suppose it is the loosening of ligaments and the considerable increase in girth that is tying me tighter to the earth. the frustrating thing is that my mind is still in agile mode, it thinks "let's go get cat food" as if it is no big deal, but once my body gets going and after 4 blocks i feel like i need a seat my mind starts to apologize. this may be overstating it, but not by much. the truth is i am a young woman in an old woman's body these days and it is only going to get worse.

i only have eleven more days of work. my last day is on the 28th, the day before silvija goes back to serbia. i am thankful that soon i will be back home with cohen full time which is really where my heart is these days anyway. it will be nice to take naps and cuddle and paint the day away together, the last few weeks of just us three.

jumping fences to see what's on the other side

cohen climbed out of his crib tonight. we were all sitting here quietly in the living room when we heard the thud. i knew right away what it was, i had been waiting for it. a few weeks ago i caught him trying to hoist one of his legs onto the railing, but he failed. then a few nights later i saw him try again only this time he managed to get his leg up and onto the bar, but then he didn't know what to do with it and he fell back, resigned to try another day. i wasn't sure if he was ready to make the leap yet, but i was bracing for it. so it wasn't a shock when i ran into the room to find him in front of the crib flat on his back screaming. not unlike the first time he fell off the bed, i was gripped with panic at the prospect of what i would i find when i bent down. now, as in then, as soon as i saw his eyes i knew he was ok though and he stopped crying as soon as we were there, a slight smirk appearing on his face.

i would like to think that it was a one time thing, that we have more time before we have to make changes, but i don't think that's true. now that he has had a taste of freedom and adventure (all at bedtime!) i am guessing that his mission will be to hone his skills silently in the night when we least expect it. given a few more weeks and an abundance of opportunity and he will likely be climbing out with ease. so what do we do? buy him his own big boy bed i guess, as sleeping with us in our queen size bed is no longer a viable option (especially with me 31 weeks pregnant), but then how does that work? do we ask him really nice to stay put and close his eyes, or do we spend the first several weeks lying next to him enduring his fidgeting and poking and prying for an hour or more until he eventually falls asleep and then pray he stays asleep until morning? i guess that wasn't much of a question since the answer is glaringly obvious. and where am i supposed to put this bed? i thought we had time, so much more time. thankfully, despite living in a one bedroom, we have enough room in there for a dresser, our bed, his crib and bookshelf and yes a toddler bed can somehow work it's way into the mix, maybe even a bassinet...sigh. now him and galena can both gang up on me at 3am (which seems to be the magical time for both of them) and secretly sneak over to my side of the bed where they will gently rub their whiskers against my cheek asking me to wake up, and i will because after all isn't that what being a mom is all about?