contagious

the day before yesterday marko came home with this. turns out that the printer he went to buy had a $50 rebate towards the camera, and since the camera was only a little more than $100, it seemed like an offer too good to pass up. i am so glad he didn't. i used to have a handheld canon, before i got my slr, and i loved being able to take videos on a whim, i also loved that it fit in my pocket (sort of) and so i could have it with me all the time. eventually it gave up the ghost though and then my slr was purchased. my rebel might take great pictures, but it is a pain in the neck to drag around. i can't believe how small this one is, less than a deck of cards. i guess what i am saying is that you can expect more of this in the future.



aren't you excited?

oh, and galena is still doing great, still no swelling, and she continues to eat and act normal. today she even went and sat on the front step. it may be too soon to say for sure, but i think we just might be in the clear.

i think we're down to three

if you had asked me four hours ago if i would be coming and writing this post, i would have said "no way". in my head the words were necessarily going to have to come out different. i am glad i was wrong.

it all started around 3:30 am when marko came in to wake me up (he is a night owl and is often still awake at this time), he wanted to know where galena was. this is a very strange thing for him to ask, the whereabouts of our cat being a neither here nor there issue for him, and so i sat up to listen. i wasn't sure where she was, and this is the part where i admit that i leave the cat door unlocked all the time giving her complete freedom to come and go as she pleases. last night, it turns out, she had made the decision to go, and was outside at large. normally i wouldn't think much of this, she has been known to go out in the evening and sit on the deck or under the front hedge and then she comes back in and nestles herself in some corner. the look on marko's face told me i should maybe be worried though.

only moments before he had heard some ominous snarly and gnashing of teeth out the front of the house, "i think it was in the yard, just in front of that hedge", he said. the it, i soon found out, was two coyotes, possibly three. he saw something run out of the front yard but he couldn't be sure if it was a third coyote, a cat, or a coyote with a cat in it's mouth, as he was too stunned by the fact that there were coyotes in our yard to compute. he did see two linger in the street though, and then they were gone. after relaying the story to me he went into the street with a flashlight to see if he could see anything, clues as to what might have happened, but there was nothing there.

i was worried, but still optimistic, and after shaking the box of treats and calling her name to no avail i decided to go back to bed and assess things in the morning. when i awoke i went out to look and there they were, right in front of the hedge where marko heard the gnarling, three large chunks of white and black hair. my heart sank. i decided to put on a sweater and make the trek around the neighbourhood. i went to the end of the block to scour the park, up the alleys, and through people's yards, but there was nothing to be found. i tried to listen to my instinct and all it was saying was that she was gone, that they got her. she isn't exactly skinny, there is no way she could outrun a coyote. i was resolved, and so i came home, plopped myself down on the couch, and cried. i wasn't certain what was making me more sad, the fact that she had died or that she had died in what i imagined to be a horrific way. marko eventually conceded that i was probably right (until this point he felt certain that she would show up since there was no blood in the yard) and we continued about our early morning in relative silence.

it was almost two hours later when i heard the scratch. i thought it was in my head at first, but then it was clear. i rushed to the door, and there she was looking up at me with the widest eyes i have ever seen, fur was missing on her side, but there was no blood, no liimping, and as i gently massaged her all over i encountered no protests. she seems fine, but how? i still don't understand it all, surely she didn't out smart the coyotes? she is a domesticated, somewhat fat and lazy (but loveable) cat after all, but it appears that maybe she did. i hope she continues to seem fine as the day rolls on. so the lock is going on the cat door tonight, and i am here wondering, maybe cats really do have nine lives?


***update***
i went and had another look at her and unfortunately i did find two puncture marks on her back that were obviously made by teeth. it looks like she was picked up and carried, but perhaps because of her weight she was dropped or managed to escape. the wounds look fairly superficial at this point, but of course it is hard to tell and truthfully seems unlikely. i cut some of the hair around the area and rinsed it with warm soapy water and then applied some alcohol to the wounds. i will wait and see for now. our old place was beside the vet, it wasn't such a concern, but now it is a 25 minute bus ride, a bus ride i just can't do with two kids and a cat in a cage. if she worsens i am going to have to find someone to come be with the kids tomorrow. for now though she seems in good spirits and is still eating and grooming. keep your fingers crossed for us.

if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?

thanks to those of you who reached out with words of kindness on that last post, it means a lot to me. i don't know if it was because i put the words out into the universe or simply the fact that we are all growing into each other, but this week has been so much better than the ones that came before it. provided i make it through tomorrow it will be the first week i have been through where i didn't have one unbearable, sweat rolling down back, tears rolling down cheek, moment. thank goodness!

for those of you that haven't seen the above picture yet, it is a vinyl tree that i recently purchased and had a chance to apply today. it is a bit of a newish fad, this vinyl wall art business, one which i had been quite curious about for some time. i purchased mine from etsy, well from here to be exact. there are hundreds of different styles available on there though, and that seller took more than a month to get mine to me (and it looks like he isn't doing vinyl signs anymore anyway), so i am not sure i would promote their stuff too loudly. have a look around, there is some really neat ones out there.

as for the difficulty of applying it, it wasn't too bad. as a first time user i will say that it was slightly more challenging than some others might have been due to the fine tips of the branches. you see, the vinyl is applied by flattening the surface with a sharp edge to loosen the applique from the sticky back. the tips in some cases didn't want to leave the paper and it took some serious coaxing and pressing on my part to get it off, but worth it. i did picture it as larger in my head, and i am still not certain it is what i want to have on the wall long term, but that is the beauty of vinyl wall art, it comes off as easy as it goes on (although it is a one time usage thing as it won't stick a second time). so tell me, what do you think?

some of you may remember this photo of the living room before we moved in, well here it is now.

i am still not completely happy with it, but it is a work in progress, so we'll see.

the hardest part

i am having such a hard time with this tonight. i have been sitting at this desk for an hour and half, eating trail mix, and wishing i had just started the new david sedaris book instead of attempting to write this, the post which seems impossible to write.

i am feeling so inadequate these days and if i am to share that then i need to make sure that the words i tell it with are anything but, as though the words will make up for all the shortcomings. they won't, and i suppose i would argue that my shortcomings aren't really that at all, but simply misplaced expectations and a penchants for being the underdog anyway. i know this, just as i know that i shouldn't bite my nails and i should drink more water, yet still it is there. i can half joke about it tonight because today was a good day. more and more my days are falling into this category, which is maybe why i can come here and write about it at all, or try anyway. i have learned that for me there are some things that just can't be put into words, or at least not my own, opting instead to listen to others and nod with understanding.

life with two kids has been tough for me. i thought i would be better at it, the juggling, and reassuring, and nurturing. i don't have enough time for ada, and every time i blink she is bigger and stronger and one step closer to growing up. most day i feel like i am missing it. cohen, who is fiercely independent in his personality, is also a highly social being, and doesn't thrive on independent play, at least not for any length of time. it is hard to find enough undivided time for him during the day, he is alway needing more. i feel anxiety if the house is too messy, i make lists in my head of the things that need doing. the lists are quiet at first, but soon they are shouting at me. i have tried to keep the lists to the bare minimum, to not expect too much, but even just food on the table, clean clothes in the drawers and a watered garden can keep me busy until well past dark. i feel like i am losing a part of myself in this process, becoming someone new, unfamiliar.

this is the surface of the truth, the real truth is of course somewhere deeper. i think about maia, about how in the months after she died all i could think about was how much i needed something to hold. i would wrap galena up in a towel and rock her in my arms while i sang. i knew i was crazy, but it was too much, the yearning, i couldn't bear to face it. i think about all those other mothers out there who are mourning the loss of their babies, or the dreams of someday having one. i have no business being sad, or frustrated or overwhelmed. i owe it to those mothers, to my former self, to be something stronger. i am trying, everyday i am trying. i am not sure it is enough.

when maia died i read the words of others who were walking in my same shoes, they felt alone, as though no one understood. i never felt that way. somehow i managed to find a community of people who shared that grief, i felt surrounded. in this though, the weight of motherhood, i feel alone, as though it is not ok to say it is not ok. i have the photos with smiling faces, and charming summer anecdotes, all of the things that would make it seem like everything is fine, but they don't feel honest, not until i come right out and say that as a mother i am a work in progress, years from perfection, but miles away from giving up. if there are other mothers out there reading, especially those of two (or more), i would love to know how the transition from one to two went? did it get easier over time?

three months

three pictures for three months

for fun, just add water

that title could sum up so much of our life right now. cohen these days is all about the water, swimming or jumping in it, splashing it all over, or shooting it at others.

the thing that has been standing out for me the most the last couple of months though is my memory, the way it has been flooding back daily. cohen is at the age where things are happening, he is getting it. playing at the playground is all about imitating a monkey, and adventures in the backyard are about worms and beetles and dirt between toes. it reminds me so much of when i was a child. the splashes of paint on paper and flushed cheeks from a full day spent outside. i can't help but feel excitement at being able to relive all of those memories through the new lens of my family. words just aren't enough.

we embarked on a road trip a couple of weeks ago to clearwater. it was a gathering of my brothers, their families, and my mom. we swam in the campground pool everyday, splashed in the lake, sat around the campfire and hiked in the woods. it was wonderful to get away, and for cohen to be with all his cousins. it is always a bittersweet time for me though, as i can't help but mourn the fact that my brother aaron and i don't live closer to each other. growing up aaron and i were very close, we shared a room as kids and were roommates for a few years in our twenties. i think we both thought that one day we would raise our families together, close, like we were, but sometimes life has different plans. work took him north, and i have to admit he is happier there then he was in the city, and so our time together it sporadic, his son jonah, someone i have seen only a handful of times. we talk about it still happening one day, it may or it may not, but i like to think about it, jonah and cohen playing hockey in the lane. only time will tell, for now though i cherish the little time that we do have.

i won't bore you more with talk of the trip, instead here are some pictures. for the rest of them go here

cohen and jonah practicing for that game they will one day play in the lane

everyone but ada and i

some other random favourites

happy canada day!