the ugly (the story, not ada!)
have you ever had one of those moments where you didn't do what your instincts told you to do, even though you knew better, and then had the result come to no good? of course you have, it is a required part of being human. i have had many, too many to claim i didn't know better. it is the rule that should govern over all others, listen to your inner voice, it ain't a fool. as you have likely guessed, i had another one of these moments just the other day. i was coming home from the park with the stroller, and as i approached the front door to our building, i noticed a man i had never seen before lingering out front. he looked like trouble, but not in an obvious way. it was my instinct telling me he was trouble, my brain decided not to listen. the truth is that i didn't want a conflict. the truth is that i was being lazy and taking the easy way out. the truth is that i let him in, and rode the elevator with him (even engaging him in idle chit chat). the truth is that he kicked in a door on the fourth floor only moments later and stole two guitars from it's occupant, and it was completely my fault (i found out after the fact from the building manager and gave a statement to the police). i should have known better. i feel pretty shitty about the whole thing. i think there is a lesson in here somewhere.
the bad
well, i am not sure it is bad really, how about fortunate lined with unfortunate feelings? the last couple of days i have finally been exposed to what life is going to be like with two. picture me early in the morning with squinty eyes wearing a sour milk stained pajama top, holding ada and bouncing around the kitchen trying to sooth her cries as i attempt to slice open an english muffin, and cut up a banana for cohen's breakfast. all the while he is clinging to my leg and whining (or opening the spice cupboard and taking out all the spices and stacking the jars on the floor), desperately trying to get my attention. this scene gets played over and over throughout the day. i don't think i have enough hands for this job. what i am quickly learning is that i need to restructure my thinking, at least for now. it is impossible to think that i can do dishes/take a shower/do a load of laundry/nap, when i have two who are in almost constant need of me. i need to learn to breath and get used to living in a messy house. normally i would be better at letting it go, but with the move looming over my head and the nagging voice telling me that i need to be packing at least a few boxes a day, it is proving difficult. today marko took cohen out of the house for a few hours to allow me the space to get some things done, but ada had other plans for me and refused to be put down. i didn't get anything done (other than lots of cuddling), and felt defeated when the boys came back home, but tomorrow is a new day, and we still have two weeks before we move. perspective. i am trying.
the good
marko got the job! he starts back to work on the 12th. it would be nice if it was the 19th as we would be moved in by then and things would be settled, but the 12th is ok too. gulp, that means i only have him home with me for one more week and then i have to do it alone for real. i can do this....right?
5 comments:
the good sounds super good - congrats to Marko!
You can do this, I know you can. There will be days even weekslong like what your experiencing, andthen the baby God's will send you a day where Ada sleeps or swings most of the day and only needs you for food, and cohen intertains himself or his sister and you'll catch yourself saying, wow i can't bleieve how much i got done, this is EASY. then it will go batshit crazy again :o) you can do it.
You can do it. I know you can. It's effing hard some days, but you will be able to do it. Remember this: it will get better, then worse, then better again. That's parenting.
It took me about a month before I had a 'routine' going and I kept my expectations very, very low. It helped me mentally to shower every morning, so that means getting up a bit earlier than I need to, but it helps *me* so much that I find it worth it.
A huge congratulations to Marko for scoring the job! Wahoo! I hope you celebrated.
And, lastly, don't feel bad about the break in. It sucks that it was you, but the truth is, the guy would have made his way in with someone else anyway. Jerks are jerks that way. He obviously knew which apartment he was going to hit anyway.
& the beautiful! ada is absolutely gorgeous. in the top photo she looks a lot like her mama to me.
what are the chances that was the same guy who tried to kick my apt door down when I unwittingly got off the elevator & scared him down to the fourth floor where he managed to break in? seems unlikely because that was more than 3 years ago now, but I also wouldn't be surprised if it was the same bad egg.
huge congratulations to marko!
xol
T - I think the above comments say just about everything I was going to say - your Ada is so adorable I think that little baby hair is sparking some kind of primal instinct in my primal instinct place, wherever that is.
That bastard ass who broke into your building would have gotten in anyway, it's true. And I'd like to join everyone with a hardy congrats for Marko!
Seems like things are working out just as they should and I'm sure the same is true for raising kids - sometimes hard but usually works out.
Looking forward to the big move? I wish I could come and lend a hand or two.
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