i waited hours for this, made myself so sick

i haven't had any dreams with babies in them, there have been no births in the backseat of the car, no babies that come out siting passages from the bible. no babies period. i mention this because it is strange. at this stage in the game i should definately be dreaming of babies, at the very least someone elses. but still nothing comes. no it turns out that i get to dream about more interesting things, clowns, roller coasters, swimming in the ocean. loosing my teeth. i put this last one by itself because it is reoccuring, i might even say frequent. i had it last night and two nights before that and the night before that one. twice last week. in fact i wake up now expecting to have had the dream and when i haven't i feel as though something is missing.

a little research has shown me that in fact this is one of the most common dreams out there. i guess i shouldn't be surprised that i fall into the common category, i mean i am old enough now to expect that. of course teeth loss dreams come in all shapes and sizes. sometimes they fall out clean, no blood just a gap where there used to white, sometimes it is one, sometimes many. maybe they are pulled out in a sterile office with the light shining bright, the dentist grinning. with me they are rotting. quickly. it starts with one that falls out but the root remains sharp, jagged and bloody. lots and lots of blood. mouth fulls spit into the sink as i look in the mirror. then another and another falls, my mouth full of blood and chunks of teeth, as i spit them out more seem to appear. i panic at first and then i find resolve and start encouraging them to break to get it over with, swishing the pieces vilently around in my mouth. i spit and spit and spit and spit. sometime around now i usually wake up. i am always alone. i never cry.

so what does it mean? well it turns out that interpretations on this one are so diverse that it could mean i am going to come into money or that i am going to die as soon as i wake up. a crap shoot really. they all seem to point to teeth as power and that by loosing them it symbolizes a loss of some sort of power. it is also said to represent a fear of losing something important to you. this makes sense i think. but does the interpretation of dreams hold any value anyway? i am not so sure. i don't know why i sit on the fence about so many things. the skeptic and the believer hashing it out at the egde of the cliff. the battle has been going on for years now. secretly i think the believer has the edge. especially when you have the dream over and over. it has to mean something? or maybe it means that i am grinding my teeth. they hurt. i dream they fall out. i think most things can be explained that easy.

but i am not sure they should be.

oh and i don't recommend google image searching teeth after reading this or you are liable to have dreams of your own.

you need to drown out the static and listen

knowing when to have faith and when to worry is a skill that i don't think can be mastered. i know that i haven't. i have been lucky so far, for 38 weeks i have kept my worry tucked safely away. sure he pops his head up every now and again but reason has always won out, there was never "that feeling" present, the one that makes it impossible to look the other way. i got that feeling today and even now i can't shake it. now when everything has checked out and the words healthy and perfect have been muttered i find myself looking at all the baby clothes in the closet and the bassinet and wondering what i was thinking by setting it all up? i said i wouldn't do that this time. i swore i wouldn't. but somewhere along the line i let my positive optimism take over. i was proud of myself, being strong enough to believe in this. believe in happy endings.

i didn't feel movement last night, there was only stillness where there should have been kicking, lots of kicking. this morning it was the same, even after a bowl of raisin bran and juice. the morning continued and nothing changed. once on my way to the kitchen i thought i felt a punch but i couldn't be sure. i stopped dead in my tracks to wait for another, for confirmation. nothing came. i tried to put it away in the back of my head. i opted for faith. by noon there was no faith left in me. i knew i needed to call the hospital, i knew i needed to go there and have a non-stress test. i knew that i could do it but all of me said "no we can't, not again". i started to shake and marko and i started to cry, we couldn't talk. only silence remained in the space between us, concentrated silence. if we were the praying type then this would be the time to do it, but we are not and so we sat there. shock was starting to set in.

on the cab ride to the hospital i poked him hard, jiggled him, rubbed my hand up and down my belly, anything for a kick. i was rewarded with what i thought was a nudge, only slight but it was there. we clung to it.

once the monitor was set up and his heartbeat found, we waited. waited to see if we would pass or fail, waited to see if this time would be different than last. there was no fluctuation in the beat, not for a long time. longer than we would have liked. it was long enough for both of us to panic in silence together staring at the monitor. the nurse would come in every now and again, non-commital. "is it ok?" i asked..."ok" she said. what she meant was not great. we already knew that though. somehow we have become experts on not great. i was shaking, my mind racing. i stared at the wall. time to switch sides now, maybe that will wake him up. i concentrate and roll over. i started to pray. the doctor will be here shortly, she says, a rub of my hand and she is gone.

we still haven't said anything, we are holding our breaths for the bang. then it starts, only slight at first barely noticeable but soon you can see him moving through the sheets, he is kicking me hard, the monitor is showing strong fluctuations now. the printout reads like a seismograph. there is moment of relief, but we are not sure. i mean is this enough? another 10 minutes passes and the monitor continues to fluctuate, he continues to move. marko is perched now over the machine watching it's every move, his hand in my hand. maybe it is going to be ok? maybe we were wrong. maybe we needed to have more faith.

the doctor comes now, introdutions are brief and then he looks at the sheet the machine has been spewing out since we arrived. perfect he says, it looks perfect. marko and i look at each other unsure if we should believe him. but what about before he started to move, what about all that time when the heartbeat was steady? he explains to us that as you approach your due date babies tend to move a little less, they spend more time resting for the big day and sometimes it can be harder to wake them. besides, you see here, he says, when he was sleeping, you can still see movement albeit slight which is a good sign. this is a healthy baby. you did the right thing by calling and coming in though, better safe than sorry. better to worry than to have faith, or maybe better to keep the faith in spite of the worry. he takes off the monitor and feels my belly, he laughs when cohen kicks him as he prods. i laugh and say well maybe he takes after his dad, he doesn't like to get up either. inside i am not laughing though. inside i feel like i just died a little.

so we leave hand in hand and once we are out of reach of the hospital we speak. all i could think about was how i couldn't do this again, that if something happens this time then that is it. this is too hard. marko says he feels the same, adoption maybe but this? i just couldn't. i put my hand on my belly and say "please don't do that again". we head home.

a thing like that doesn't stop at the word perfect though, something in the universe shifts slightly. it isn't the kind of thing you nap off or forget about. for six hours today we really thought we were going to lose another baby. for six hours i imagined what that would be like. i hope he comes soon. i just really want this to be over. i want him to be healthy and here in my arms.

tomorrow i will put the worry away, but tonight i am still a little shakey. tonight as the rain falls softly outside my window i am convincing myself that everything is ok. tonight i continue to sit. i continue to wait.

nothing much to say i guess, just the same as all the rest

oh and because it is tuesday .

it could be a case of the blind leading the blind

when i was out walking today i came upon some found art, or i thought i did. it was almost under my foot before i noticed it, but there it was, the 7 of clubs lying on the sidewalk. i know for most people this would mean nothing, or maybe i am wrong, maybe there are more people who would find such a thing fascinating. naturally i picked it up, inspected the back and thought about the significance of the 7 of clubs, as though this card was there to foretell my future. i couldn't come up with much but it seemed like an okay card to find, maybe not as cheerful as the 7 of diamonds or as hopeful as the 7 of hearts but all in all a club was an okay suit. i found myself contemplating which movie it was that one of the main characters collected cards he found around town. i wondered if the person who left it there had thought of that movie or whether they had simply lost it, the deck never the same again. it was remarkable how much mystery i gave to this one playing card. so with it tucked safely in my pocket i continued on. it was the kind of day that lends itself to thoughts of grandeur, the sun shining strong upon my face, the breeze making the heat bearable. my step felt a little lighter after finding the card, as strange as that seems.


my joy only lasted a a block before the reality changed. right there on the sidewalk not 20 steps later was the 4 of hearts and then just up ahead the 10 of spades. oh no, i thought. i walked on past those two and clung to the thoughts of my 7 of clubs but it became hard to turn a blind eye when the next block brought with it another 6 cards, one of which was face down. suddenly the cards had no mystery, they were just litter all over the sidewalk. in fact, my walk took me another 6 blocks and the cards just kept showing up, under a tree, in the gutter, stuck in the crack of the sidewalk. they were everywhere. i felt defeated. i imagined a child throwing them from a stroller unaware of the havoc he was causing. i thought about how it would all be different if i had crossed the road after that first block, if i had never known about all these other cards. i stopped suddenly and took the 7 of clubs out of my pocket. i placed it down beside of the 2 of diamonds, deciding that maybe he would miss everyone if he came home with me. having been everywhere the cards weren't important anymore, their value was only found in their rarity. the 7 of clubs had no place with me.

i never did see the queen of hearts. not surprising i suppose i imagine she would be the first to go. i can only hope that whoever took her never saw the rest although somethings remain special no matter what i suppose.

if you promise to stay conscious i will try and do the same

i didn't post yesterday cause i was so tired so today i want to wish my neice reidun a happy belated fourth birthday! i can not believe it has been four years, it seems like only yesterday. i guess it is true what they say about time flying when you have kids. i hope you had a great day and i will see you at your party on saturday.

i was at my baby shower, which thankfully turned out to be more of a get together with lots of good food tonight and because of that i am completely exhausted and have no energy to be either interesting or ridiculous so instead i will leave you with today's selection. perhaps tomorrow i will be more bright eyed.