the good, the bad, the ugly

or in this case, the ugly, the bad, and the good.

the ugly (the story, not ada!)

have you ever had one of those moments where you didn't do what your instincts told you to do, even though you knew better, and then had the result come to no good? of course you have, it is a required part of being human. i have had many, too many to claim i didn't know better. it is the rule that should govern over all others, listen to your inner voice, it ain't a fool. as you have likely guessed, i had another one of these moments just the other day. i was coming home from the park with the stroller, and as i approached the front door to our building, i noticed a man i had never seen before lingering out front. he looked like trouble, but not in an obvious way. it was my instinct telling me he was trouble, my brain decided not to listen. the truth is that i didn't want a conflict. the truth is that i was being lazy and taking the easy way out. the truth is that i let him in, and rode the elevator with him (even engaging him in idle chit chat). the truth is that he kicked in a door on the fourth floor only moments later and stole two guitars from it's occupant, and it was completely my fault (i found out after the fact from the building manager and gave a statement to the police). i should have known better. i feel pretty shitty about the whole thing. i think there is a lesson in here somewhere.

the bad

well, i am not sure it is bad really, how about fortunate lined with unfortunate feelings? the last couple of days i have finally been exposed to what life is going to be like with two. picture me early in the morning with squinty eyes wearing a sour milk stained pajama top, holding ada and bouncing around the kitchen trying to sooth her cries as i attempt to slice open an english muffin, and cut up a banana for cohen's breakfast. all the while he is clinging to my leg and whining (or opening the spice cupboard and taking out all the spices and stacking the jars on the floor), desperately trying to get my attention. this scene gets played over and over throughout the day. i don't think i have enough hands for this job. what i am quickly learning is that i need to restructure my thinking, at least for now. it is impossible to think that i can do dishes/take a shower/do a load of laundry/nap, when i have two who are in almost constant need of me. i need to learn to breath and get used to living in a messy house. normally i would be better at letting it go, but with the move looming over my head and the nagging voice telling me that i need to be packing at least a few boxes a day, it is proving difficult. today marko took cohen out of the house for a few hours to allow me the space to get some things done, but ada had other plans for me and refused to be put down. i didn't get anything done (other than lots of cuddling), and felt defeated when the boys came back home, but tomorrow is a new day, and we still have two weeks before we move. perspective. i am trying.

the good

marko got the job! he starts back to work on the 12th. it would be nice if it was the 19th as we would be moved in by then and things would be settled, but the 12th is ok too. gulp, that means i only have him home with me for one more week and then i have to do it alone for real. i can do this....right?

time changes everything

it was four years ago today that we lost maia. the space between then and now seems so vast, it doesn't seem possible that it all fit into four years, and yet it has.

every year at this time i come on here and try to find the right words to express how i feel. every year i feel something different. this year finds me heavy with thoughts of others that are suffering a loss right now, those that are just beginning the journey. four years and two healthy children later i have a different perspective, i wish i could share that with them. i wish i could press a fast forward button and show them that time really does heal, joy really is possible. it probably wouldn't make a difference though, i know back then i wasn't ready to hear that, i wouldn't have believed it. there are no words that someone else can say to make you understand the journey, it is something you simply need to endure so that one day you can come out the other side healed, changed, but better somehow. more aware.

i am also thinking about ada, about how she fills a place in our family that seemed empty. i was always aware that if she turned out to be a boy i would go on feeling as though a part of my life was lost forever when we lost maia. i would have been just as pleased with a boy, but it wouldn't have been the same. i don't know what life will hold for me, mothering a daughter, but i feel so grateful that i get to find out instead of always wondering. ada came into our lives and brought with her the last bit of light that we needed to feel the warmth on our faces again. i am so thankful for all that we have been given so far in this life, it is a good one and i wouldn't change it for the world.

i see trees of green, red roses too

i should start by saying that after i wrote last nights blog entry i decided to stay up a little later and wander around the internet catching up with some other blogs i normally read including sweet|salty. i know many of you also read her and if you don't, well the link will explain what i am talking about. like so many other times in my life i was brought back to the present and reminded about the importance of perspective. my sleeping and complaining, although real to me, seemed slightly foolish in the end.



with perspectives in mind let's talk about a new one that cohen and i have been getting lately, namely our brief encounters with outside living. marita had been on the waiting list for a plot in the community garden just a few blocks from our house for over a year, but luckily for us her name came up a few weeks ago and a plot was given. unfortunately this also coincided with her northern bc poetry tour and so i jumped at the chance to help her (and us in the process) out by volunteering to do some clean up on the plot while she was away.



i knew it would be a challenge having cohen down there, what with all the dirt and sticks to chew on, so i made a trip to the salvation army and found a pack and play in pretty decent shape for next to nothing. once i gave it a bath in the tub and aired it out, it was ready for some action, and so yesterday afternoon down to the garden we went. i did some weeding and soil turning, and cohen did some people watching and sun soaking. for a moment we may have actually allowed ourselves to believe that we had a backyard. it was magnificent.



so great in fact that today we went back for some more, this time with a few purchased plants in tow. i look forward to spending time at the garden with marita and the boys, watching the garden grow and in the end hopefully enjoying the fruits of our labour!