i have tried in my way to be free

so i have been operating on a fairly low frequency today. the continued snow and ridiculousy cold weather combined with my junk food binge hangover and sadness at silvija's departure are all contributing to the blah's. it is little wonder that these photos i took today are all desolate and sad and cold. but there has been lots of good news lately everywhere else and i haven't been sharing so maybe i will do that now so that you will all be able to look at my photographs without crying. so here is the warning, this post requires zero boxes of kleenex. i promise (unless you have a cold in which case i can't be responsible for your kleenex needs).

first up would be the news from the north. the cat came out of the bag a couple of weeks ago now and i have yet to formally acknowledge it but there is a baby on the way and a new house for him/her to come home to. that's right my brother aaron and his wife laisha are expecting their first child at the end of may and they recently bought there very first home. my brother aaron and i grew up the best of friends and continue to be very close which is why it is so great that we are going to have kids so close in age. as for the house? well they may have had to move hundreds of miles away to be able to afford it but i am still incredibly jealous. the idea of owning a home seems completely foreign to me, living in such an expensive city. still, i can't wait to come visit and hang out in your sauna on a snowy day. i am nothing but thrilled for you both (or should i say three?)!

the other great news around these parts is that marita is having her poetry manuscript published. i had not had the opportunity to read any of her poems before but she was so kind as to put up some links and i suggest you march on over and check them out and then tell her how great she is, because she is, great that is. i know that this means a lot to her and it is a big step in the right direction, plus it is confirmation that she is talented and as those of you that are new moms know, sometimes we need to be reminded just how deserving of recognition we are as individuals and not just moms. i will be sure to keep everyone posted when it comes out so that you can all scoop up your very own copy.

oh and speaking of talented you must go see the table that kle made for the red shoe event. i can't believe she is worried it won't sell. there is just no way. i already told you but it is an amazing piece and you have nothing to worry about, well except for letting it go.

so that is all my happy news. it is still snowing and the sidewalks are still slippery which means we stay inside all day but we have heat and food and music and really what more could a mom and a baby need?

like the deserts miss the rain

i hate goodbyes. i hate them even more than burning the shit out of one of my fingers by accidentally coming in contact with an unbelievably hot metal spoon. lucky for me, today i got both.

the spoon can be explained easily:

melancholy + cravings for comfort food + deep fried potatoes (complete with curry mayo) + hot oil laden slotted spoon + misguided hand = son of a bitch

but the fries were still good and although i did have to hold frozen items on the wound for a couple of hours, due to my inability to face the pain cold turkey, i am still alive with only a blister and some residual numbness to remind me of the folly.

the goodbye though, well that is another story. i have been giving some thought to how i would talk about it here, or if i would at all and to be honest i never really came to a conclusion. i am going to miss her, silvija that is or baka to many of you. i am going to miss her way more than i ever would have imagined. i know that if cohen could understand her absence he would miss her just as terribly as me, but for this year i may have to go it alone. saying i am going to miss her sort of sounds flat and silly in this context though. i suppose it is what it is, but of course there is more.

all the deeply personal and introspective conversations, even if they were in a language foreign and uncertain to her. the seeing so much of myself in her words and her actions and her kindness. all the sadness and regret and lessons about life and love which she chose to share with me. to teach me. there was sharing of recipes, her amazing gnocchi sauce and my soups. there was the eating of sushi for the first time and her attempt at chopsticks, then fingers, then a fork. afternoon lattes and the watching of er (or emergency room as she calls it). and there was laughter. so much laughter. and some tears, both of joy and of sadness.

this morning she told me about her mother, she has been in ill health the last few years and her mind is starting to go. "she isn't the same" she said, "but one thing about her that has never changed is that whenever i leave to go back home from a visit she cries". i knew what was coming next, the tears were already there as she was telling, "today i understand the tears", she said. "today i understand how that feels".

i didn't have the right words to tell her how much i like her, appreciate her. love her. even if i did they probably would have gotten lost in translation. i can only hope that it is one of those things that is understood. a month ago i was worried that it would be too difficult to have someone here with me, a disruption too great. i was nervous and anxious and scared. i was wrong.

you can't start a fire without a spark

so today was my third photography class and the assignment we were supposed to bring in to class was a portrait (or three) that incorporated interesting lighting. she never expounded on the interesting and so i heard it as quirky or strange. i had thought of several things i wanted to do, most of them involving galena and incredibly large shadows or the glow of a candle but come last night i had not gotten around to any of them. in fact, i had all but decided that i was going to go empty handed to class. but then as i lay in bed wrestling with sleep i had pangs of guilt and this dreaded feeling that i was just being a lazy whiney ass so i got up (well past midnight)and rallied marko into the dark bedroom to play with a flashlight. these are what i came up with and in the end i am glad i brought something.

i still think my creative lighting needs some work though. try and try again they say. we'll see.